A Time to Heal
by AlwaysKate11
Summary: This is a sequel to "A New Beginning" so you might want to read that one first if you haven't, or at least the last chapter.  What happens after Kate finally admits her feelings forCastle?
1. Chapter 1

**A Time to Heal**

**Chapter 1**

**First Date**

**CASTLE woke up with a grin on his face, thinking about the night before. His mind went straight to the kisses he and Kate had shared. He had kissed so many women that he couldn't even remember them all, but nothing had compared to the kisses he had shared with Kate last night. Sweet, slow kisses. He had lost track of how many times they had pulled apart, only to be drawn back to each other again and again. It wasn't until he had let his hands drift from where they had been buried in her hair down to her waist that he felt her tense up and he finally moved away. He knew she would want to take things slow, and that was fine with him. With one last shy smile, she had gathered up her purse and walked to the door without saying anything. He crossed his fingers that she hadn't changed her mind over night about her confession that she had feelings for him.**

**KATE also woke up with a grin. Instead of jumping out of bed like usual, she just laid there for a minute. She closed her eyes, remembering the previous night. It seemed almost like a dream. After all of this time, she had finally admitted to herself, and to Castle, that she had feelings for him. She was still surprised about all of the things he had said to her. Amazing things that had touched her heart, her soul. Her grin faded as she wished, not for the first time, that she could say things like that to him. How could she, when she wasn't even brave enough to allow herself to fully explore her feelings? **

**Her good mood slowly faded away as worry set in. It was one thing to admit to having feelings, but now what? How was this supposed to work? This was so different from anything she had experienced and she had no idea how to act when she saw him again. As she finished getting ready for work, she couldn't help but wonder if she would ever be able to just let go and allow life to happen, without dwelling on all of the things that could go wrong.**

**WHEN Castle arrived at the station an hour later, Kate was already at her desk. As he walked over to give her the coffee he had brought her, he was surprised at how nervous he felt. Although he really thought that they had made a breakthrough the night before, he had learned from experience never to second guess what she might be feeling or how she might react. **

**He stood by her desk and waited for her to realize he was there. It didn't take long. She put the file down and slowly looked up at him. He handed her the coffee and quietly said, "Good morning." **

"**Morning, Castle." Her eyes met his and glanced away before meeting them again. He tried hard not to smile. She could never maintain eye contact with him when she was nervous, but she seemed determined to over come that. He hoped she never completely mastered it though, because he needed all the help he could get when it came to figuring out what was going on in her head.**

**They were so focused on each other, that they didn't notice Esposito walk over until they heard his voice, "Hey guys, what's up? Do we have a case?" **

**They slowly turned away from each other to look at him. He looked at Castle, then at Beckett. When they both just looked at him blankly he asked, "Everything okay?"**

**Beckett laughed nervously. "Of course. Everything's good. Fine. Right, Castle?"**

"**Yep. Everything's good."**

"**So, do we?" Esposito asked again.**

"**Do we what?" they asked in unison.**

"**Do we have a case?"**

**Beckett picked up the file from her desk. "We do. A young woman was found in an alley about three blocks from her home. Lanie is doing the autopsy now. So far, we have no idea who she is." She stood up and walked over to the white board, with Esposito right behind her. **

**Castle remained back and watched her work. He had always enjoyed watching her, but now it was different. When she pushed her hair out of her face, he remembered how it had curled around his fingers, the smell of her shampoo. When she turned around to talk to Esposito, he found himself watching her mouth and thought about her soft kisses. When he looked into her eyes, he- '_Uh oh,' _he thought to himself. '_Her eyes? I'm busted'. _He actually felt his face grow warm as he realized that she was watching him watch her. He hoped he didn't look as addled as he felt. **

"**I'm, uh, just gonna go to my office now and, um, work on some stuff that needs worked on." He cringed as he walked away. '_Um, work on some stuff that needs worked on? That's the best you could come up with?'_ he thought to himself.**

**Beckett watched him walk away. If she hadn't been so unnerved, she would have found his obvious discomfort amusing. As she had talked to Esposito about the case, she literally had felt Castle's eyes on her. It had made her feel anxious and excited all at the same time. She couldn't help but wonder what he had been thinking about. Was he remembering the kisses they had shared the night before? Was he thinking about next time? **

**She gave herself a mental shake. This was not the time or the place for this line of thinking. Determined to focus on the job, she turned around to finish her discussion with Esposito, but found that he was no longer there. She looked around and found him standing at his desk with Ryan. They were both looking over at her**

**whispering. She could only imagine what they were saying about her and Castle. She turned around and sat back at her own desk, doing her best to look busy by flipping through the case file. **

**This type of thing was exactly what she was worried about. How in the world were they supposed to do their job as if nothing had happened? But what was the alternative? She had no intention of sharing this new development with anyone. Not yet. Not until she was sure things were going to work out. She had a feeling that keeping it a secret was not going to be easy. Especially if she was going to fall apart every time the man looked at her. Who was she kidding, he wasn't even in the same room with her now and she couldn't keep her mind off of him. Taking a deep breath, she started reviewing the file again, this time forcing herself to focus on the case. **

**It wasn't easy, but she managed to get through the file and meet with Esposito and Ryan to get the murder board going. She had glared at both of them as they had walked over, and they took the hint, keeping the conversation focused on the case. Castle stayed in his office the rest of the day. Although she was grateful that he was giving her space, she couldn't help but feel a little disappointed when she looked up at the end of the day and saw him walk out without even a goodbye.**

**She finished up and was getting ready to leave when she heard her phone chirping, notifying her of a text message. She grabbed it out of her purse. She felt a tingle of excitement when she saw the name on the ID. She pushed the small text icon, opening the message.**

**Castle: want 2 go out 2 nite?**

**Me: Out? **

**Castle: Out. U know. On a date?**

**A date? He wanted to go out on a date? That made sense. Didn't it? Logically he would want to go out on a date. But did she want to go out on a date? That seemed so...official. While she sat there trying to decide how to reply, her phone chirped again.**

**Castle: Stop analyzing, lol. I'll pick u up 6:30. **

**She sat there looking at her phone when it chirped once more.**

**Castle: BTW wear something hot ;)**

**She felt a small knot form in her stomach. Excitement? Fear? Both?**

**HIS mother was in the living room when Castle arrived home. He walked over and grabbed her, dancing her around the room. She looked up at him laughing. "What are you doing?"**

"**Isn't it obvious? I'm dancing with my mother."**

"**Yes, I get that. But why?"**

**He grinned. "I have a date."**

"**Well good for you. With Kate I presume?"**

"**Of course."**

"**Where are you taking her?"**

**He frowned. "I don't know. I didn't think that far ahead. Ooh. Maybe that new Italian place that opened up over on 4th?"**

"**Bel Cibo? Very nice. But I highly doubt if you can get in on such short notice. I'm sure you'll need a reservation."**

"**Mother, Richard Castle doesn't need a reservation. I'm sure it won't be a problem." He smiled to himself. That should really impress Kate. Bel Cibo had only opened a few months ago and it was next to impossible to get into unless you were 'somebody'. He gave his mother one last twirl then let her go and headed for the stairs. He only had an hour and a half before he had to pick Kate up.**

**After a quick shower, he pulled on his Canali suit. He was going all out and wanted to look his best. He was standing in front of the mirror with his hairbrush and mousse trying to get his hair perfect. He was turning his head back and forth, looking at his hair from all different angles. He smiled sheepishly when he caught his daughter's reflection in the mirror. She was leaning against the bathroom door with a grin on her face.**

"**Look at you all dressed up. What's the big occasion?"**

"**I have a date. I'm taking Kate to Bel Cibo's."**

"**Bel Cibo's? I'm jealous. Ashley has been trying to get us in there for weeks! How'd you get reservations?"**

"**I don't actually have reservations. You know places like this always have tables set aside for people like me. What do you think? Blue or green?" he asked, holding up two ties.**

"**Green. I don't think you should count on that, Dad. You should call them."**

"**Maybe I'll give them a call on the way to Kate's. Hey, help me with this, will you?"**

**Alexis walked over to help him with his tie. She suspected he was perfectly capable of doing it himself, but she had been helping him since she was a little girl and it was a ritual neither of them wanted to give up.**

"**So are you nervous?"**

"**Nervous? Of course not," he scoffed. She looked at him knowingly.**

"**Okay, I'm nervous. Is that weird? I mean, this is Beckett. It's not like I'm dating a stranger."**

"**Well, I think dating a stranger is easier. You have plenty to talk about since you don't know anything about each other. You can just walk away after one date if it doesn't go well. But just think, if tonight's date doesn't work out-"**

"**Stop. Not helping."**

**She laughed. "Sorry. Don't worry, it'll be great."**

**He smiled and kissed her on the top of her head. "Much better." He looked down at his watch. "Yikes. Gotta go. Wish me luck!"**

"**Good luck!" she yelled as he hurried away. She shook her head in amusement. Parent were so hard to raise sometimes.**

**BECKETT looked at her watch and started getting nervous. Castle would be there in twenty minutes and she wasn't close to being ready. She had tried on everything in her closet before settling on an outfit. The humidity was high, causing her hair to curl even more than usual, and it refused to cooperate. Finally she got it twisted up and used a large clip to hold it in place. After adding a necklace and earrings she stepped back to check out the final result. **

**She searched her reflection trying to see if she looked as nervous as she felt and was dismayed to see that she did. From the minute she had gotten the text message she had been a wreck. She knew it was silly to be so nervous. She had known Castle for years, for Pete's sake. Of course she knew this was different. They were going to be alone together for the first time since she had admitted her feelings for him, and they had spent the rest of that evening in each others' arms. Since then they had only seen each other at work which had forced them to keep their conversations focused on work and their hands to themselves. Tonight they wouldn't have that buffer, and that scared her. **

**She jumped when she heard the knock on the door. She took three deep breaths to calm her nerves a little then walked to the door.**

**On the other side, Castle was also taking calming breaths. This was their first real date, and he badly wanted it to go well. He wiped his suddenly moist palms on his pant legs one at time, switching the bouquet of flowers he had brought from one hand to another to do so. After what seemed like an eternity, the door opened and what he saw took his breath away.**

**He had jokingly told her to wear something hot, and what she was wearing definitely qualified as hot. Her dress was a blue/green color that fit her like a glove. It was made of some sort of shimmery fabric that changed color when she moved, and made him want to reach out and touch it. She was wearing heels, of course. But unlike the ones she usually wore, these had a small opening in the toe and he smiled when he saw that her toenails were painted the same unique color as her dress. For some reason, he found that extremely sexy. He let his eyes slowly travel back up until they finally reached her face. When their eyes finally met, he felt his heart skip a beat. He noticed that her face was flushed, embarrassed he was sure, from the way he had been checking her out. He leaned over and kissed her cheek and handed her the flowers. **

"**Thanks, Castle. They're beautiful." She motioned for him to come in. "I'll be right back, I'm going to go put these in water."**

**He watched her walk away, the view from the back no less enticing than the view from the front had been. The dress was backless, and the sight of her bare back made his throat go dry. The only slight disappointment he felt in her appearance was her hair. She had it pinned up with some fancy hair clip. It looked gorgeous that way, but he had hoped it would be down. Her long, silky hair played a prominent part in his dreams lately, and in his dreams it was always down. **

"**All set?" he asked when she walked back into the living room.**

"**Yes. Just let me grab my purse." She grabbed her purse and they left.**

"**So, where are we going?" she asked once they were in the car. **

"**Bel Cibo's", he said, trying to sound casual. He looked at her out of the corner of his eye to see if she looked impressed. "I know you like Italian food, and I hear their food is great."**

"**I've heard that too. I'm surprised you could get reservations."**

**He frowned. This was the third time that evening that he had heard that. He had told Alexis he would call on the way, and he had planned to, but he was so anxious to see Kate that he had forgotten. He suddenly felt a twinge of panic. What if they were right and the name Richard Castle didn't magically open up a table? **

**A couple of minutes later, they pulled up to the valet parking area. He quickly walked around to open her door before she could and held out his hand. She took it, but only long enough to get out, then she pulled it away gently. He let his hand rest on the small of her back instead, guiding her towards the door.**

**When they got to the podium, Castle leaned in and asked for a table. **

"**Do you have a reservation with us tonight?"**

"**No, but maybe you can find a table for us anyway. I'm Richard Castle." The man just looked at him. "You know. The writer." **

"**I'm sorry Mr. Castle, but we don't have anything available."**

**She felt the hand on her back tense before he slowly let it drop. She shook her head. It was just like him to think that he could just drop his name and automatically get into the cities hottest new restaurant. She walked away hiding a smile, pretending to examine the art work in the lobby. Had she stayed, she would have seen him pull out an obscene amount of cash that miraculously resulted in a table opening up.**

**She re-joined him and they were led to a small table in the back of the restaurant. **

**The waiter handed them the menus and left them alone. He hoped she hadn't seen him pay off the host and assumed that his name finally registered, granting them a table, but he was pretty sure she had. If he wasn't mistaken, she had been trying not to laugh as she had walked away. Castle buried his face in the menu, slightly embarrassed. Determined to turn things around, he looked for what he knew to be her favorite food. They had eaten at an Italian restaurant a year or so ago while working a case and she had ordered a pasta with red sauce. He vividly remembered how she much she had enjoyed it. She had let out a little moan of pleasure that had sent shivers down his spine. And the way she had licked the sauce out of the corner of her mouth... **

"**Are you ready to order sir? Sir?" Castle looked up, momentarily confused. **

"**Oh. Yeah. Vorrei che il bolognese Spaghetti per lei. E auro le Fettuccine alfredo." He may not have been able to get a table by his name alone, but his ability to order in Italian was sure to make an impression. Feeling back in control of the date, he smiled at Kate. Unfortunately, she was not smiling back.**

**The fact that he had ordered her favorite dish might occur to her later, but for now, all she could think about was trying to eat a plate of spaghetti with red sauce without making a huge mess. It was every woman's nightmare meal for a first date. **

**As the waiter started to gather up the menu's, she stopped him, placing her hand on his arm. He smiled brightly at her. "Lo non sono in vena di pasta. Si prega di fare mia il Piccator di pollo," she said, changing her order from the pasta to chicken. **

"**That is an excellent choice, bella signora. You speak the language so well."**

"**Thanks. I spent a semester in Rome when I was a freshman in college." **

"**Really? My family is from a small city outside of Rome."**

**The waiter glanced over at Castle, and when he saw the glowering look on his face, he quickly scooped up the menus and walked away, ending their conversation.**

**Without the menu to distract her, or the waiter as a buffer, Kate started searching her mind for a topic of discussion. The longer the silence went, the more uncomfortable she became. She abruptly stood up.**

"**I'll be right back. I need to visit the ladies room." When she got into the bathroom, she splashed some water on her face. What was wrong with her? She had never had a hard time talking to Castle before, or any other man on a date for that matter. Now she couldn't think of a single thing to stay. She felt the sting of tears in her eyes, which frustrated her even more. Her anxiety was ruining their date and for the life of her, she couldn't figure out how to salvage it. **

**Castle sat alone at the table with his head in his hands. This date wasn't going at all as he had hoped. First the fiasco with the reservations, then he tried to impress her with his Italian and it turns out she speaks it better than he does. To top it all off, the waiter seemed to have a better time making conversation with her than he did. He wasn't surprised that she escaped to the bathroom. She must be wondering what she'd gotten herself into. **

**Kate arrived back at the table, just as the waiter was setting down their food. Her first thought was a positive one. No one expects you to talk when you are eating, right? She took her first bite of the chicken she had ordered. It was delicious. She took another bite, then looked up and saw Castle watching her intently. What now? Did she have food on her face? Was she eating with her mouth open? She set her fork down and discreetly wiped her mouth.**

**He was so frustrated with himself and how the date was going, that he had pretty much lost his appetite. After eating a couple of bites, it looked like she had too. They both sat there pushing the food around on their plates for a couple of minutes before he decided enough was enough. He pushed his plate away and motioned for the waiter.**

"**Are you ready?" he asked.**

"**Sure. Let's go".**

**He set the money for the bill on the table and they walked out. He held the door for her as they left the restaurant, but she noticed that he didn't touch her back as he had on the way in. **

**The drive to her apartment was horrible. The tension in the car was palpable, as they both rode in uncomfortable silence.**

**He pulled up to the curb by her apartment. Leaving the car running, he started to get out so he could open her door. She realized that he was just going to drop her off and go. She knew that she didn't want their date to end this way and impulsively stopped him by grabbing his arm. **

"**Do you want to come in for a drink?" **


	2. Chapter 2

**A Time to Heal**

**Chapter 2**

**Why Hold Back?**

**CASTLE** looked as surprised as she did by her offer to come in. He turned off the engine and pulled out the keys. He went around and opened her door and they walked to her apartment.

When they walked in, she motioned to the couch. "Have a seat. Wine okay?"

He sat down. "Sure." Feeling warm, either from the temperature in the room or the idea that he was getting ready to have wine with Kate, he took off his suit jacket and hung it on the back of the couch.

She went and got a bottle of wine out of the refrigerator. She brought the bottle and two glasses over to the couch. Kicking off her shoes, she sat down on the couch, tucking her legs underneath her. He poured them each a glass of wine and set the bottle on the table. She quickly drank the whole glass and poured herself another.

They sat in silence for a moment then both started talking at the same time. They laughed nervously.

"Ladies first," Castle said.

She ran her fingers around the edge of the glass nervously. "I'm sorry, Castle."

He frowned at her. "For what?"

"This was the worst first date ever."

"I know. It couldn't have gone worse if we tried."

She finished the second glass of wine. "I won't blame you if don't want to go out with me again."

"Why wouldn't I want to go out with you? I'm the one who messed up our date, not you."

She looked at him confused. "What makes you think that?"

"Well, let's see," he said, ticking off the reasons on his fingers. "First I made a fool of myself thinking I didn't need to make reservations and almost didn't get us a table. Then I ordered you something you didn't even want, trying to impress you with my Italian, when it turns out you speak it fluently. Then I let my hurt ego put me in a bad mood and allowed it ruin our dinner."

She couldn't help but laugh.

He frowned. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing. It's just... I was upset because I thought _I_ had ruined our date. You thought that you did."

"Why did you think you ruined our date?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I was just so worried about saying the right thing and doing the right thing that I just kind of panicked." She smiled. "Do you know why I didn't want the spaghetti? Because I was worried I would spill it, or make a mess? Silly, huh?"

He smiled back. "Very silly. I don't know why we were so worried about it. We aren't different people just because we were on a date. I guess I should have thought about that before I tried so hard to impress you, huh? Taking you to a Bel Cibo's, ordering your favorite dish..."

That reminded her. "By the way, how did you know that was my favorite Italian dish?"

He took her hand. "Do you remember last year when we were working on that case in Little Italy and we ate at that hole- in- the- wall Italian place?"

"Stevie's? Yeah. Their food was to die for. I had the Spaghetti Bolognese there. You remembered that? How much I liked it?"

He turned her hand over and started drawing shapes on the palm of her hand with his fingers. "Oh Yeah. You were so into it that you didn't even notice me watching you." He stopped playing with her hand briefly, and waited until she looked at him. "You actually moaned when you took the first bite. When you were done, you had sauce on the corner of your mouth and licked it off. It was the sexiest thing I had ever seen. I remember badly wanting to lean over and lick it off for you."

The look on her face was priceless. He could see that what he had said had unnerved her. A lot. But she hadn't gotten up and walked away. He took that as a good sign. A very good sign.

Hoping he wasn't pressing his luck, he slowly leaned over and kissed the corner of her mouth, letting his tongue lick it gently. He felt her shudder and pulled back briefly before kissing her fully on the mouth. Before when he had kissed her, they had been gentle kisses, almost tentative, meant to explore. He had been careful, trying not to scare her off. This time, they both wanted more and the kisses were hungry and intense.

She pushed herself up so that she was kneeling on the couch, seeking more contact. He reached behind her, running his fingers lightly over the bare skin of her back. They felt like fire on her cool skin. Without breaking their kiss, he reached up and opened the clip in her hair, letting it tumble down around her shoulders. He buried his hands in her curls. He had a sudden vision of her lying on him with her hair brushing against his bare chest. That image almost pushed him over the edge. He leaned back on the couch, until he was lying down, gently pulling her with him. Although she didn't pull away, he immediately felt her whole body tense up as soon as she found herself lying on top of him.

He reluctantly let go of her arms and she sat up quickly and moved away to the other side of the couch. He slowly sat up too. He looked at her, but she avoided his eyes.

"Wow," she said suddenly, standing up. "It's getting late. We have to work tomorrow, so…"

He was surprised by her abrupt tone. He toyed with the idea of trying to get her to talk, but decided that it was best to leave it alone. For now.

"Yeah, I guess I better get going," he said, also standing up. He couldn't help but smile when he saw how relieved she looked as they walked over to the door.

Before leaving he reached over and tucked her hair behind her ear so he could see her face and then let his hand rest on her shoulder. "It's okay that you stopped things when you did, you know. There's no hurry. You can take all the time you need. Because when we do finally make love, I want to know there is nothing holding us back. No doubts." He slowly let his hand slide down her arm and take her hand. He leaned in and whispered, "For the record, I definitely think it's going to be worth the wait." He gave her one last lingering kiss before walking out.

She shut the door slowly behind him, her arm still tingling where he had ran his fingers down it. She was grateful that he was gone. She didn't know how she would have handled it if he had stayed. She had worried that he was going to do the whole 'confront your feelings' routine and she just didn't feel up to it. Feeling felt very confused, she just wanted to be alone.

**ON** the way home, Castle was reeling from the night's events. He felt like he was on an emotional roller coaster. Before his date he had been feeling excited and nervous. The failed date and silent ride to Kate's had left him feeling depressed and frustrated. Now he was feeling frustrated again- for a very different reason of course- as well as happy and concerned. He was happy because their date wasn't a bust after all, but concerned because Kate was obviously still holding back. What was it going to take, he wondered, for her to finally let go and trust him?

**AT** 4:00 the following morning, Kate was already wide awake and out of bed. She hadn't slept well at all. Every time she closed her eyes she had heard Castle's voice whispering how it was going to be worth the wait when they finally made love, which had played havoc with her emotions. Just the thought had kept her tossing and turning for what seemed like hours before she finally had fallen into a restless sleep, only to wake up a few short hours later.

Although she was still physically exhausted, it only took a few minutes for her to realize that going back to sleep was not an option. Resigned to the fact that she was just going to have to make it through the day on a limited amount of sleep, she got up and headed to the kitchen to make herself some coffee. She hesitated when she walked past the couch. The empty wine glasses still sat on the coffee table, and Castle's jacket was hanging on the back of the couch. Feeling a little foolish, she picked it up and held it to her face, inhaling the subtle scent of his spicy cologne. She felt a tingle shoot through her body as she thought about what had happened on that couch last night.

She frowned as she thought about how she had shut down when things became too intense. Once again, she found herself wondering what was keeping her from moving forward in her relationship with Castle. Obviously it wasn't for lack of physical attraction. So what was her problem? She was acting like she had never had sex before. It's not like she was a virgin or anything. Although she didn't feel she had been promiscuous, she had been with her fair share of men. She had always enjoyed sex enough, but she had never really understood what the big fuss was about. Sex was just…sex. So what was different now? With Castle?

She suddenly felt very alone. She couldn't talk to Castle about this. She wanted to talk to Lanie, but that wasn't an option either. She knew that Lanie wouldn't be able to keep it from Esposito. And if Esposito knew, then Ryan would know and she didn't want people to know about her and Castle. If things didn't work out with them, it would be easier.

Rubbing her temples, she became aware of a headache coming on. Too much serious thinking, she thought with a slight smile. She washed a couple of pain pills down with coffee, and went to get ready for work.

**AT** the station, Kate was sitting at her desk when Castle arrived. He looked around to make sure that the Captain wasn't in yet before he quietly said, "Morning Kate," and leaned down to give her a kiss. She pulled back abruptly.

"Can I talk to you?" she asked tersely. "Privately." She stood up and headed to his office. He walked behind her, wondering what he had done now.

"What the heck are you doing, Castle?" she asked as soon as the door shut behind them.

"What? If you're worried about the Captain, don't be. I checked to make sure she wasn't here yet. Anyway, she said she didn't like the idea of office romances not that it was against the policies. Besides," he said with a wicked smile," doesn't forbidden fruit always taste better?"

He moved in and tried to kiss her. She quickly put her hands on his chest and pushed him away. "It's not just the Captain, I'm worried about. What about Esposito and Ryan. You haven't told them anything have you? About us?"

He stepped back. "No, I haven't really had the opportunity. But do you really think Lanie hasn't already told Esposito?"

"I know she hasn't. She doesn't know."

"You haven't told her?" That was odd. Lanie and Kate were close, even closer since the accident. He couldn't believe she would keep something like this from her.

She crossed her arms defensively. "No. I just think that we should be sure about this before we let people know. You know, in case things don't work out."

When he didn't answer, she asked, "That's okay isn't it? If we wait? I just don't want-"

"Oh. Sure. I get it. You're right."

She could see that even though he was saying the right words, he wasn't happy about her decision. She searched for what she could say that might help. With a sudden grin, she leaned into his chest. Putting her mouth close to his ear she whispered, "we'll just have to be… discreet." She pulled away and walked to the office door. She shot a wink over her shoulder before walking out, leaving a speechless Castle alone in his office.

"**I'M** telling you, she's driving me crazy," Castle confessed over dinner that evening. He had suffered through the laughter and 'I told you so's' from his mother and Alexis as he had given them a play by play of his ill-fated date. "I'm serious," he added when he saw their amused looks.

"I don't know what to do. I can't figure out what is going on with her. I feel like every time we start to make some progress, something happens to set us back. Today she was mad at me one minute and flirting the next. I give up," he said, throwing his hands in the air.

"Come on," he said when neither of them said anything right away. "This is what you have been waiting for isn't it? Lecture away. Give me advice. Tell me what to do!"

"Poor Daddy," Alexis said patting his arm. "Don't worry, we're here for you, right Gram?"

Martha smiled brightly. "Of course we are. "

He rolled his eyes at their obvious excitement at the opportunity to tell him what to do. "Okay ladies. I put myself in your capable hands. Give it your best shot."


	3. Chapter 3

**A Time to Heal**

**Chapter 3**

**Mother Knows Best**

**TRYING to ignore his daughters' squeal of delight and his mother's mumbled 'It's about time', Castle sat on the couch and waited.**

"**Alright, let's not get carried away, ladies. You act like I _never_ take your advice."**

"**Rarely, Dad. You rarely take our advice."**

"**It's true, Richard. You tell us what is going on, listen to what we have to say and usually do the opposite."**

"**That's not true! Is it?"**

"**Do you want to argue, or learn Dad?"**

**He couldn't help but smile at Alexis' sassy response. "Okay. Teach me, oh wise one."**

**Alexis began pacing in front of the couch. "So what do we know so far? We know that she likes you. And you have chemistry together. Right? I mean when you guys were fooling around the other night, things were good?"**

"**Um, no offense sweetheart, but there are some things I don't feel comfortable talking about with you. But yes, there's chemistry."**

"**What about Josh?" Martha chimed in. "Why did she say she broke up with him?"**

**He frowned. "I don't know. We never got around to talking about Josh."**

"**Hmm. Well what does **_**she**_** say the problem is?" Martha asked.**

"**She doesn't say. We haven't talked about it."**

**Alexis looked pensive, trying to think of another question. "Oh. What about her scar? Is she self-conscious about it? Maybe she worries about how it looks. I know I would."**

**He looked surprised by the question. He thought about the dress she wore on their date. I was short. It was backless. And the front went all the way up to her neck. Covering her scar. He couldn't remember everything she had worn since she got out of the hospital, but he would have remembered if he had seen a scar. "Now that you mention it, I haven't seen her wear anything that would show her scar. I never even thought about the scar." '**_**How could I not of thought of her scar**_**?' he thought to himself. **

**His mother and Alexis looked at each other in disbelief before looking at him, obviously thinking the same thing. "Richard, how could you not have thought of something like that?"**

"**I-I don't know. It just never came up."**

"**Not even when you talked about the shooting?" Alexis asked.**

"**We haven't really talked about the shooting."**

"**Well what have you really talked about?"**

"**That's the problem. We don't really talk about anything. She never wants to talk. She walks away or changes the subject the minute I bring up anything remotely personal or uncomfortable. The small amount of information I have gotten from has been like pulling teeth. We did have one conversation where she finally opened up a little and I thought maybe things would be better. If she would just talk to me about her feelings, I think we would be okay, but she won't," he said sounding agitated. **

**Alexis nodded her head thoughtfully. "So when do you try to talk with her?"**

"**When?"**

"**Yes. When?" Martha asked.**

"**I don't know. Just whenever it comes up, I guess. Does the 'when' matter?"**

"**Well, of course it matters!" Alexis said. Her tone implied that this was something everyone should know. "If you try and talk to her when she is feeling vulnerable or upset, she's going to just shut down on you."**

**He thought about that. He hated to admit it, but they made sense. He did tend to say whatever came to his head, whenever it came to his head. He thought back to all of the serious conversations he had ever tried to have with her about their feelings and sure enough, they all occurred during a time of stress for her. **

"**Well," he said grudgingly. "I guess that makes sense. But it can't be that simple. What else have you got for me?"**

**Alexis was first to answer. "Try talking to her when nothing else is going on. You know, like casually."**

"**And if she does try to walk away or change the subject, try waiting without saying anything," Martha added. "Maybe she just needs time to think about what she wants to say."**

"**But don't let the silence go too long."**

"**And don't just let her drop it all together."**

"**On the other hand, don't push her."**

"**Well maybe you could push her a little."**

**He felt like he was watching a tennis match, he eyes darting back and forth between his mother and his daughter as they took turns shooting out advice. He was somewhat relieved when the familiar ring tone of Alexis' cell phone interrupted their interchange. **

**By the way her eyes lit up, he knew who it was before she said anything. "Hey, can I call you right back?" she said into the phone before putting it in her pocket.**

"**It's Ashley. He just got back from camping with his folks." She looked at him expectedly. **

"**You want to leave?" he asked, trying to sound serious. "Now? In the middle of my crisis?" **

**When she just continued to look at him, he smiled. "Don't worry. I can try and muddle through with just your mother telling me what to do. Tell Ashley I said hi."**

"**I will. Thanks Dad," she yelled over her shoulder.**

**As soon as the door shut, Martha sat down and said, "Okay. Now that she's gone, let's get to the good stuff."**

"**What do you mean 'good stuff'?"**

"**You know perfectly well what I mean. So talk to me. What happened the other night."**

"**Well, I told you about our disaster of a date. When we got back to her place, she invited me in. We were having wine. We talked about our date and what went wrong. Do you know she thought she ruined our date? She was even afraid to eat spaghetti in front of me. Anyway, one thing led to another and we ended up…". He stopped. Talking to his mom about his sex life, or lack thereof, was almost as uncomfortable as talking to his daughter. **

"**Getting busy?" his mother supplied.**

**He laughed at her choice of words. "Yes. We were 'getting busy'. She seemed just as into it as I was, but all of a sudden she just froze. The same thing happened before. Things get so far and she just freezes."**

"**What did you do?"**

"**What could I do? I stopped. Told her it was okay, no rush."**

"**That must be frustrating for you."**

"**You know, it's not. I mean, the part about her pulling back emotionally, yeah that's frustrating. But the other… I meant what I said. No rush. Does that surprise you?"**

"**Actually, yes it does. Does it surprise you?"**

"**Yes and no. With any other woman, I think it would. But it's different with Kate. She's different. It isn't just about sex with her. You know that. But I can tell that it's bothering her."**

**He looked at his mother and she could see the stress on his face. "I don't know what to do."**

**She laughed, causing him to frown. "What's so funny?"**

"**You are. Richard, think about it. After your dreadful date, Kate invited you in, right?"**

"**Right."**

"**Well there you go.** ** The old Kate would never have invited you in. She would have jumped out of the car and ran. And changing her order just to avoid making a mess in front of you? That says how much your opinion means to her. Don't you think that maybe you are just expecting too much too fast?"**

**He shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe."**

"**Darling, be patient. You knew things weren't going to change overnight. It sounds to me that things are going as well as can be expected. Are you sure nothing else is bothering you? You said something earlier about her being mad at you?"**

"**This morning when I got to work, I tried to give her a kiss. Nothing big and no one was even around, but it made her mad. Turns out, she hasn't told anyone. Not even Lanie. She won't let me tell anyone either. She doesn't want anyone to know about us. She said it is because she wants to wait to make sure things 'work out' with us."**

"**Ahh. I see. That didn't sit well with you, did it?"**

"**No. I mean what does that say? She is expecting this to not work out?" He got up and started pacing. "I'm doing everything I can to do to make us work, and she's not even willing to admit to anyone that there is an us!"**

"**So what did you tell her? Are you going to keep it to yourself?"**

"**Of course I am. I told her it was fine."**

"**And she bought that? That you were fine with it?"**

"**I doubt it. She didn't say anything, but she quickly changed her attitude."**

"**That was when she went from being mad to flirting?"**

"**Yeah. I think she could tell I was upset, so she teased me about us being 'discreet'."**

"**Really? She said that? That you would have to be discreet? How fun!"**

"**Fun? I don't get it."**

"**You know, for a police profiler, you really are quite dense. Think about it. She's trying. She isn't ready to trust what you have, but she isn't willing to push you away either. That's why she was flirting. She can't give you what you want, but doesn't want you to be upset. Being 'discreet' at work could be fun. Keeps you connected without being too serious. It's perfect."**

"**I'm confused. Are you saying I should discreetly flirt with Kate? At work?"**

"**Why not? Doesn't that sound fun?"**

"**Isn't that exactly what you told me not to do just last month?"**

"**Yes. But it's different now."**

**He rubbed his forehead. He was feeling drained by this conversation. "Okay, I'll bite. How is it different?"**

"**Well, before you were manipulating her, trying to trick her. She had no idea what you were up to and it bothered her. This time it's her idea. Listen, it's late. You wanted my advice? Here it is. Stop being so serious. Give it time. And while you're waiting, enjoy it! Have fun! Don't you think Kate could use some fun?"**

**She went upstairs, leaving Castle sitting on the couch thinking about everything that had been said. Maybe she was right. He **_**was**_** tired of being so serious about his relationship with Kate. Grinning he picked up his phone and hit the text button.**

Me: You want discreet? I can B discreet. See u 2morrow ;)

**He hit the 'send' button and went to bed. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A Time to Heal**

**Chapter 4**

**Enjoying the Ride**

**CASTLE was sitting in his office the next morning working on a case when he saw Kate walk in. He noticed how she subtly looked up at his office, presumably to check and see if he was in there. It was something he had seen her do several times since coming back to work after the accident. He figured that it would embarrass her if she knew that he had noticed. **

**He looked down at a scrap of paper next to his computer and smiled. Alexis had met him in the kitchen this morning with a list of instructions on how he was supposed to interact with Kate. He had shoved it in his pocket, feeling mildly offended that she felt he needed a visual aid. He meant to throw it away when he got to work, but thought it may come in handy some time.**

**His family talk last night had actually been helpful, a fact that he knew they wouldn't let him forget any time soon. He really wanted to take his mother's advice and not take things too seriously and have fun. At first he had thought it was strange advice to give him. He rarely thought of himself as being too serious and was more often than not accused to trying to have too much fun. But the more he thought about it, the more sense it made. When it came to Kate, he had gotten very serious. Even now, if he thought too much about how she was keeping their relationship private and maintaining the remainder of the wall she was hiding behind, he started to feel stressed. '**_**Let it go, Castle,' **_**he told himself. '**_**Just let it go for now and have fun." **_**With that mantra in his mind, he grabbed the two coffee cups off of his desk and headed out of his office.**

**Kate looked up from her desk when she saw Castle approaching. She took the offered coffee cup from him and looked at him warily. She had gotten his text after going to bed last night. She hoped that she wouldn't regret her teasing remark about being discreet. She had hated the look on his face when she told him that she wanted to keep their relationship to themselves. Hated that she was always the one to back off, push him away. For once she wanted to be the one to lighten the mood. She couldn't help but wonder how far he would take it. Surprisingly, instead of worrying about it, she was kind of excited. If the reaction she got just from whispering in his ear was any indication, this had the potential to be a lot of fun.**

"**Hey Kate," he said with a smile, sitting on the edge of her desk. "What's on for today? Any new developments on the Sampson case?"**

**She pulled out the file. "No. We don't even have a lead."**

"**Actually, " Esposito said walking up to them, "we do. Just got a tip come in. Turns out someone had a buried bank account." Esposito and Kate headed over to the board. Instead of taking her usual spot in front of the table, Kate chose to stand behind it. She leaned forward, resting her hands on the table. This gave Castle an unobstructed view of her backside. **

**He couldn't help but notice the way her hips swayed as she pointed out facts on the board. When she had to lean forward to add more information, sticking her bottom out…**

"**What do you think, Castle?" he heard her ask. **

**He quickly shifted his gaze away from her backside up to her face, hoping he hadn't been caught checking her out. "Umm, I think…"**

"**What's wrong? You seem distracted." His eyes narrowed suspiciously when he saw the twinkle in her eye. It slowly dawned on him that not only did she know he was checking her out, but she had purposely positioned herself on the other side of the table to give him the best view. **

**Conscious of Esposito's presence, he made sure he kept his tone casual when he said, "Sorry. You're right. I guess I am a little distracted today."**

"**What's up, Bro?" Esposito asked.**

**He thought for a moment about how to answer. He noticed Kate looked a little nervous about what he might say. "I just have a little writers block. I'm working on a, shall we say, sensitive chapter in my new book."**

**Esposito grinned. "Alright. Juicy sex scene?" **

"**Oh yeah. And I want to get it just right."**

"**Maybe it would help to do some research? I gotta friend whose sister is a big fan. Maybe I can give her a call?"**

"**Really? Is she cute?"**

"**Okay boys, let's get back to work," Kate interrupted. "This case isn't going to solve itself."**

**Castle grinned and joined them at the board. Kate rolled her eyes as he and Esposito whispered behind her back about the imaginary chapter Castle was supposedly writing. At least she hoped it was imaginary. 'He better not be working on a juicy sex scene', she thought to herself. Since the current book he was writing starred Nikki Heat, she tended to worry about any sex scenes he might write. She got enough flak from the other members of the force as it was without that. **

**Castle was having a hard time concentrating on what Esposito was saying. He was enjoying reading Kate's face. He could tell by the cute way she furrowed her brow that she was trying to determine if he was serious or not. He caught her inquiring look and smiled innocently before turning back to give Esposito his full attention. **

**She interrupted them again, and got them back to working the case and they were soon rewarded by making some serious head way on the case. **

"**Hey Castle, do you want to come with me to talk to Mrs. Sampson again? I think she might be interested in what we've found."**

"**Absolutely. Let me just grab the keys to the squad car."**

"'**Don't bother," she said with a smile. "We're taking my bike."**

**Surprised, he followed her to the elevator. He was disappointed when another officer joined them before the door could close, dashing his hopes of stealing a kiss on the ride down.**

**When they got to the where her motorcycle was parked, she threw him a helmet and got on the bike. As he climbed on behind her, she looked back and said with a smile, "Hang on tight, Castle." **

"**Oh, I'll hang on," he whispered as she hit the throttle and sped out of the parking lot. He wrapped his arms tightly around her waist. 'I could get used to this,' he thought giving her a little squeeze. **

**They arrived at the apartment complex sooner than he liked. He got off the bike and waited for her on the curb. She smiled at him. "Enjoying the ride so far?" she asked.**

**He had a feeling she was talking about more than just the bike ride. "Yeah, I am. You?"**

"**As a matter of fact, I am," she said, sounding surprised.**

"**Good." He held out his hand. She hesitated only a second before allowing him to lace his fingers with hers. They walked together up to the door before reluctantly letting their hands drop and enter the building.**

**Fifteen minutes later, they were back down on the street. "I guess we should have called first, eh Castle?"**

"**I guess we'll just have to try again tomorrow," he said, hoping she would bring her bike back. **

**When they got back on the bike, she moved back as far as she could on the seat, allowing her body to snuggle right up to his. The bold move surprised him so much, he ****forgot to even hang on. "You alright back there, Castle?" she asked, her voice dripping with laughter. **

**He tightened his legs around hers and grabbed her hips. "I'm alright. Let's go." **

**While they were stopped at the first red light, she used that time to wiggle back even further, pressing the back of her body fully against the front of his. '**_**Two can play that game**_**,' he thought breathlessly. As they pulled away, he slowly moved his hands from her hips to her waist. He pulled gently at the bottom of her shirt and let his fingers slide underneath until they touched the smooth skin of her stomach. He felt her muscles tighten as soon as she felt the contact. He smiled, knowing there was nothing she could do while she was driving. The feel of her bare skin under his fingers while she was pressed so intimately against him was making him crazy. He decided it was a good thing he wasn't driving. He figured he would end up crashing the bike if he were. **

**Again, the ride ended way too soon for his liking. Not only because he was enjoying the prolonged contact, but because he was unsure of how she was going to react to his wandering fingers. She did start it, he reminded himself. **

**They got off of her bike and walked through the door of the 12****th****, and onto the elevator in silence. As soon as the door shut, she turned to face him. He flinched when she moved towards him, not sure what to expect. He knew she could execute a mean poke when she was riled. He was pleasantly surprised when she leaned in and gave him a quick, but very thorough kiss, pulling away just as the doors opened. She walked out of the elevator without even looking back, so casually anyone seeing them exit the elevator would never suspect a thing.**

'**WHAT a day,' Beckett thought to herself when she got home that evening. She had to admit, she had really enjoyed playing with Castle. Turning the tables on him and finding ways to surprise him was much more fun than she had ever expected. As she got ready for bed, she realized that she felt truly happy for the first time in a long time. She fell asleep with a smile on her face trying to come up with new ways to push Castle's buttons.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A Time to Heal**

**Chapter 5**

**Office Antics**

**THE first thing Castle did when he got to work the next morning was get on his computer and pull up the document he had created the night before. He had spent an hour creating a fake chapter for the book he was working on. The sex scenes he had written were more explicit than any he had written before, and certainly not something he would ever actually publish. He smiled, thinking about what Kate's reaction would be when she read it. **

**He walked over to the window and stood there, watching for her. This time when she came in and peeked over at his office, he was waiting and waved at her. She turned around quickly, no doubt mortified at being caught looking for him. He smiled and went back to his computer. He opened up his email, hit compose and addressed it to Kate. He wrote, "Thought you might want to preview my next chapter. Let me know what you think," and attached the document. After he hit 'send' he quickly headed over to where she was sitting, booting up her computer. He wanted to be able to see her face when she opened his email.**

"**Morning, Castle," Kate said when he came over and sat on the corner of her desk. She didn't quite meet his eyes, proof that she had been embarrassed to have been caught looking for him when she walked in. **

**Before he could respond, she turned around and put her password into her computer. As soon as the email screen popped up, she saw his email. She looked at him suspiciously, but he purposely kept his face averted, feigning innocence. She read the subject line of his email and nervously clicked the attachment icon, opening up the document he had sent. **

**Out of the corner of his eye, he watched her as she read the chapter. He could tell that she was struggling not to react, stubbornly refusing to give him the satisfaction. But he knew the descriptive sex scenes had to be making an impression. **

**Before she could finish reading, Ryan and Esposito walked up. She started scrambling with both hands, frantically attempting to close the email before they had a chance to see what was there. Ryan and Esposito looked at each other, puzzled at her strange reaction.**

"**You okay, Beckett?" Ryan asked.**

"**Yeah, fine. Why?" she answered trying to sound casual.**

"**You just seem a little jittery."**

"**Yeah," Esposito agreed. "Whatcha reading that has you so worked up?" He reached over as if planning to open the email she had just closed. She slapped his hand away. Remembering yesterday's conversation, he suddenly smiled. "It's not that juicy sex scene is it?"**

"**What juicy sex scene? What did I miss?" Ryan asked. "Geez, take one sick day and you miss all the good stuff."**

**Esposito laughed. "Come on, I'll fill you in." Putting his arm around Ryan's shoulders, he led him away telling him about the chapter Castle was writing for his new Nikki Heat novel.**

**Castle watched them walk away before turning his attention back to Beckett. "So what do you think?" he asked. "I know I enjoyed writing it. A lot."**

**Instead of answering, she simply said, "We better get to work." She stood up and brushed past him on her way to the white board. He followed her. **

"**Kate, you know I-"**

"**We're missing something," she said, cutting him off and studying the board.**

"**Hey. Are you mad at me?"**

"**Nope."**

**He laughed. "Yes you are." When she didn't respond, he put his hand on her shoulder. "Kate, it was a joke. I didn't write that chapter for my book. I made it up. You know I wouldn't do that to you."**

"**Come on, Castle," she said. "We need to get to work."**

**Although she didn't say so, he could tell by her tone of voice and the way her body relaxed that she was relieved. Convinced that she was no longer mad, he joined her in trying to figure out what they were missing. They quickly found their familiar rhythm and were soon building on each other's ideas and finishing each other's sentences. ****Before they knew it, it was time to break for lunch.**

"**Hey, Esposito, "Beckett called out. "How about you go pick us up some burgers for lunch. My treat."**

"**No problem. I'll be back in a flash." **

**Beckett, Castle and Ryan were waiting for him in the break room when he returned with his hands full of bags from the local burger place down the street. "Dig in," Esposito said, throwing each of them a paper wrapped burger.**

**As she watched the guys dive into their lunch, she suddenly had an idea. Thinking back to their date night and how obsessed Castle seemed to be with her eating habits, she had a plan on how to get him back for the email stunt he had pulled. She pulled out her hamburger and took a bite. She closed her eyes and let out a quiet moan. She then used her tongue to lick the excess ketchup and mustard from the corner of her mouth. She opened her eyes to see Castle's reaction. She smiled when she saw the look on his face. He had frozen with a fry half way to his mouth. Her smile quickly disappeared when she saw that Ryan and Esposito had also stopped to stare at her. She felt her face grow warm and hoped she wasn't visibly blushing. In her quest for revenge, she hadn't stopped to think about how her little stunt would look to them. **

"**Sorry, I… um. I just really like their burgers." Ryan and Esposito both looked down as if confused. Their burgers didn't taste all that great. She glared at Castle when he started coughing in a poor attempt to disguise his laughter. He knew exactly what she had been doing. **

**He had just gotten himself under control and taken a bite of his own burger when she reached under the table and placed her hand on his upper thigh. He gasped, causing him to choke on the bite of burger in his mouth, starting a legitimate coughing fit. Once again, Ryan and Esposito stopped eating to stare; this time at Castle. **

**Feigning concern, Kate asked, "You okay, Castle?" **

**He managed a nod, still trying to catch his breath. He discreetly reached under the table and put his hand on hers, where it still rested on his thigh. She turned her hand over and he laced his fingers with hers. They held hands for the rest of their break while studiously avoiding each other's eyes in order to avoid anymore suspicion.**

**TWO weeks later, Beckett grinned when she got an email from Castle asking her to meet him in his office. During the last couple of weeks they had fallen into a comfortable routine. Some days there were still some elaborate jokes, but usually they just found small ways throughout the day to sneak in some physical contact when no one was looking. Almost every day one of them would send an email to the other telling them to meet somewhere more private. **

**She grabbed a file and headed to his office. She always took a file with her. Once they had been kissing on the couch in Castle's office when the Captain came knocking. They had told her they were just talking about a case. She bought it, but after that Beckett always managed to have something with her in case they were caught again that would make an excuse more believable. **

**She went into his office, shut the door and went to sit on the couch. "Hey Castle. I have that file you were looking for right here."**

**He smiled and came to sit down next to her. "I can't wait to see it," he said with a smile before he leaned in to kiss her. **

**Several minutes later, when they finally pulled apart, Castle said, "You know, I thought maybe you could come over tonight. I could make dinner and we could watch a movie?" **

**She frowned. Avoiding his eyes she said, "Can I take a rain check? I've got some things I need to do. Maybe another time." She started to get up, but he stopped her by grabbing her wrist. **

"**C'mon, Kate. We haven't done anything outside of work since our first date. Besides, I know my mother would love to see you again."**

"**Oh, is your mom going to be there?" she asked casually.**

"**Yeah. Alexis too, if she doesn't have a date with Ashley."**

"**Well, I guess dinner and a movie would be fun. What time?"**

"**6:00 okay?"**

"**Sounds good. I'll see you tonight." Just as she walked out of the door, she turned around and said with a smile, "But I get to pick the movie."**

**His smile faded when the door shut. He knew he should be happy that she had accepted his invitation, and he was, but he couldn't help being a little bothered by the fact that she said yes only after he mentioned that his mother would be there. He could only assume that this was because she felt more comfortable knowing his mother would be there as a buffer. The easy way she had been flirting with him the past couple of weeks had made him think their relationship was moving along, but now he had to wonder if that was wishful thinking on his part. **

**Trying to think positively, he thought that maybe tonight would help them move in the right direction. Regardless, he was anxious to spend some time with her away from the office where he didn't have to pretend all of the time.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A Time to Heal**

**Chapter 6**

**Bubbles**

"**HELLO **Kate, Darling," Martha said before pulling her into a hug. "Come on in. I'll go get Richard." Kate stood inside the door feeling a little out of place. She smiled when Castle came out of the kitchen with a towel slung over one shoulder.

"Hi," he said, kissing her on the cheek. "Come on into the kitchen and talk to me while I finish dinner."

She followed him into the kitchen and sat down at the bar. "It smells delicious! I'm very impressed."

"Don't be, I either had to learn to cook or starve."

"I heard that," Martha called from the living room. Castle and Beckett shared a grin.

He handed her some vegetables and a knife. "Here, you want to make the salad?"

She took the knife and warily looked at the vegetables in the bowl. "Maybe I better not. I'm more of the salad-out -of-the-bag type of gal. I'm not really much of a cook."

"I'm sure you can handle it. It's just salad, you can't ruin it. Here, how about if you peel the carrots."

He took the knife and gave her the peeler instead. She laid the carrot down and tried running the peeler over it. Castle hid a smile. "Here, let me show you." He took the carrot and used the peeler to slice off the top layer of the carrot. "Now try."

She took the carrot and peeler and tried it the way he did it. Instead of taking off a paper thin layer, she took off a huge chunk of the carrot.

Castle set down what he was working on. He came up behind her. Putting his hands on hers, he guided her in peeling the carrot. He couldn't help but think about just how cliché this was. He knew there were several romance movies and books that portrayed a scene just like this one. It wasn't always cooking. It might be playing pool, painting or almost any skill. In fact, he remembered a similar scene when she was teaching him to fire a gun at the shooting range. In that case, he already knew how to shoot. He briefly wondered if she was pulling the same scam. It seemed more likely than not knowing how to peel carrots.

Scam or not, cliché or not, he was enjoying himself too much to care. He had her in his arms, with his face resting against her hair. That was what mattered. He inhaled, enjoying the fresh scent of her shampoo. When the carrot was peeled, he reluctantly let her go.

While he continued to work on the entree, he watched her out of the corner of his eye. She was concentrating so hard on doing it just right. The tip of her tongue kept poking out while she worked, which reminded him of when Alexis was a little girl learning to write cursive. Of course with Alexis it was cute. With Kate, it was just plain sexy.

After finishing his part of dinner, he stood by her and they finished cutting up the rest of the vegetables together. He loved the domestic feel of working with her in the kitchen. He wondered if she felt the same way but was afraid to ask. He was enjoying himself so much, he was sorry when they finished.

"Mother, we're ready. Is Alexis eating with us?"

"I think so. Who knows? She's been on her computer and on the phone all afternoon. What she has to talk to that boy about when she talks to him all day is beyond me. Let me go check."

Castle and Kate sat down at the table and were soon joined by his mother and Alexis.

Alexis looked at the meal appreciatively. "Mmmm. My favorite. Hi Kate."

"Hi Alexis. How are you? Enjoying your summer?"

"Yep. I've been taking some classes at the community college."

Kate shook her head. "I don't get it. I would have died when I was your age and had to go to school in the summer."

"I know. Dad says I'm unique. What can I say? I love to learn."

"That's why she's too smart for her own good," Castle added.

"Don't listen to him, Kate. He's just jealous because my report cards are better than his were."

Kate smiled wistfully, watching Castle's exchange with his daughter. It always amazed her how great he was with her. Their obvious bond made her feel a little like an outsider at the table.

"Just ignore them, dear," Martha said, patting her on the arm. "Tell me, how are things for you? Are you settling back into work okay?"

"Things are going really well, thanks. It's almost like I was never gone. I mean there are some changes, but it's good."

"Richard tells me that you're back on duty with no restrictions. That must feel good."

"It does. I am not cut out to be on desk duty. I haven't actually had any cases yet where I've had to be involved in anything too physical, but I'm ready."

"Excuse me, Kate?" Alexis interrupted. "Are you done? I was going to clear the table before getting ready for my date." She held out her hand for Kate's plate.

"Thanks Alexis, but you don't have to do that. Why don't you go ahead and get ready. I can take care of the table."

"You will do no such thing," Martha said. "You're our guest."

"I don't mind, really."

Alexis looked at her father for approval. "Okay, you're absolved of dish duty for the night."

Alexis grinned. "Thanks Dad. Thanks Kate." She headed for the stairs.

"Alexis, wait," Martha called out. "I made brownies for dessert."

"You know I'm trying to watch my waist, Gram. I better not." She shot Kate a strange look before escaping up the stairs.

"Well what about you, Kate? You'll have a brownie won't you?"

Kate couldn't help but notice that Castle was giving her the same look that Alexis had. Almost a warning look.

Ignoring it, she smiled and said, "Of course. I'd love a brownie."

Martha went into the kitchen. Castle leaned over and whispered, "Don't say we didn't warn you," before quickly sitting up. Martha came in and placed a large brownie in front of her and sat down, watching her expectantly.

Kate looked at the brownie suspiciously. It looked delicious. And it _was _chocolate. Based on Castle and Alexis' reaction, she knew it probably wasn't going to be the best brownie she had ever tasted, but surely it wouldn't be that bad. She took a big bite and froze. It had the consistency of cardboard and didn't taste like any chocolate she had ever tasted. But with Martha looking at her, she didn't know what to do.

"Mother, why don't you go and get Kate some milk. You know you can't eat brownies without milk."

"Of course. Be right back." She got up and went to the kitchen to get a glass of milk.

Castle acted quickly. He handed her a napkin. "Here, spit." Then he took the brownie and broke off a small piece and put it back on the plate. The rest he hid in another napkin. "When she gives you the milk, put the brownie in your mouth and just swallow it. Trust me. Alexis and I have used this trick a hundred times over the years."

When Martha came back with the milk, Kate did exactly what Castle had told her to do. She took the one small remaining bite and swallowed it whole with the milk. Later she would remember this and laugh, but for now, she was just grateful to find a way to get rid of the brownie without hurting Martha's feelings.

Eyeing the empty plate, Martha said, "There are more brownies in the kitchen, Kate. Do you want me to get you another one?"

Kate put her hand on her stomach. "Thanks Martha. But I'm stuffed. I couldn't eat another bite. Really." '_Especially another bite of that_,' she thought, hiding a smile.

"Okay, suit yourself. I'll just get started on the dishes. Although, I do have an audition to study for… Tell you what, why don't you just leave the dishes. I'll do them tomorrow." Before they could respond, she had left the table. "In case I don't see you before you leave, have a good night, Kate," she said before going up the stairs.

"What is she auditioning for?" Kate asked.

He laughed. "She isn't auditioning for anything. She just needed an excuse to get out of doing the dishes. My mother hasn't done dishes in over 10 years."

Kate finished gathering up the dishes. "Well, let me get these done real quickly. I may not be able to cook, but I'm a whiz at dishes."

"Kate, my mom was right. You're a guest. You don't need to do dishes."

"No, you cooked. I'll do the dishes."

"Well, you helped with the salad, so I can help with the dishes."

"No arguments here. I'll wash, you dry."

So, once again, they found themselves side by side in the kitchen. He watched her washing the dishes. She had pulled her hair back in a ponytail and donned a pair of bright yellow dish gloves. With her arms up to her elbows in soapsuds, she looked absolutely adorable.

"What are you looking at, Castle?" she asked when she noticed him staring at her.

"You look good in bubbles," he said honestly.

"Oh yeah? Let's see how you look in bubbles." She grabbed up a handful and flung them in his face.

"Oh, it's on Beckett!" He reached in front of her and gathered up two handfuls of suds. She started backing up.

"Castle, don't you dare!"

He followed her, holding his hands up menacingly. She kept backing up until she backed into the wall. She held her hands up, giggling. "I mean it, Castle! You better not." He put his hand downs, and when she did the same he quickly took his opportunity and shoved the bubbles in her face. They stood there silently staring at each other. She had bubbles on her face, and water dripping onto the floor. Suddenly they both burst into laughter.

Kate grabbed a towel and wiped her face off. "I give up. You win. This time. But you better watch your back."

He smiled. He couldn't wait. He felt his shirt and realizing it was wet said, "Hey, I'm going to go change my shirt. I'll be right back."

While he was upstairs, Kate finished the dishes. She was so glad she had decided to come. When he had invited her, her first inclination was to say no. She was having so much fun with him, and things were going so well, that she had been afraid to put herself in a situation where things might become complicated again. But when he had told her that his mother would be there, she decided to say yes. Having his mother upstairs was a sure way to make sure nothing got too serious downstairs. Just like at work, she could let herself relax and enjoy herself.

She looked up when she heard Castle coming down the stairs. He had a shirt in his hands. He threw it to her. "Here you go. Thought you might want to change too." She looked down and saw that the front of her shirt was wet from their impromptu water fight.

She took the shirt and went into the bathroom. She took off her wet shirt and slipped his on. Her stomach did a little flip flop when she looked in the mirror. Wearing his shirt seemed so intimate. She stood there and debated what to do about the buttons. It looked odd if she buttoned it all the way up, but if she left it the way it was, then her scar would show. She ran her finger over the raised line and cringed. Josh assured her that one day it would fade close to her natural skin color, but for now it was still an angry red line that stood out starkly against her pale skin. She hastily buttoned the top two buttons and came out when she heard Castle calling her.

When she walked out, Castle gave a low whistle. "Wow! That shirt definitely looks better on you than it does on me." Ignoring his comment, she walked over and sat down on the couch.

"So what movie did you bring?" he asked, joining her.

"Shoot. I forgot the movie."

"Don't worry, I'm sure there's something on-demand that we can watch." They spent several minutes coming up with a movie that they could both live with then settled in to watch.

Martha smiled when she snuck down to peek at them a little while later. Watching the movie, Castle had his arm around Kate who was snuggled up next to him with her head on his shoulder. Careful not to disturb them, she tip-toed back up the stairs and went to bed.


	7. Chapter 7

**A Time to Heal**

**Chapter 7**

**Popcorn**

**AS** they sat on the couch watching the movie, Castle was debating with himself about whether or not to ask her about her scar. The first thing he had noticed when she came out of the bathroom was how cute she looked in his shirt. The second thing was that she had it buttoned all the way up to her neck. It made him think about what Alexis had said about her being self-conscious about her scar. He figured this was the perfect opportunity to address it. He also figured that to ask was to risk her shutting him out again. In the end, he decided that he wasn't willing to ruin a great night. Reluctantly, he sat back and just tried to enjoy the movie.

After about a half an hour, Kate suddenly sat up. Lying in the dark watching the t.v. was making her sleepy. "I think we need some popcorn, Castle."

"Sounds good. I'll be right back." He started to get up, but she pulled him back down.

"Sit. I'll get it." She smacked him playfully when she saw the look on his face. "Don't worry. Microwave popcorn is my specialty."

She went into the kitchen and found the popcorn. Putting it in the microwave, she went to the refrigerator to get the butter. After the popcorn was popped, she put a small cup of butter in the microwave to melt. When it was done she put the popcorn and butter in a large bowl and added an obscene amount of salt. The result was a buttery mess that tasted remarkably like the popcorn from a movie theater. Balancing a handful of napkins, a couple of cold sodas, and the bowl of popcorn, she went back into the living room and sat down.

Castle took a bite and groaned. "This is amazing!"

She smiled and took a bite. "See, aren't you sorry you doubted me?"

She pressed play, and they settled back on the couch to continue watching the movie. Several minutes passed while they watched, happily munching on the popcorn. Although the movie was one that he normally would enjoy, Castle was having a hard time concentrating on it with Kate snuggled up to his side. He gave up even pretending to watch when he looked over and caught her licking butter off of her fingers. The next time she took a bite of the popcorn, she glanced over at him and saw him watching her.

"What?" she asked. '_Please tell me he is not watching me eat again_,' she thought.

Instead of answering her, he took her hand and without breaking eye contact, brought her finger up to his lips. Before she knew what he was about to do, he slowly sucked her finger into his mouth, licking the butter off of it. She didn't even have time to react before he leaned over and kissed her on her mouth.

He tasted like butter, salt and… Castle. The combination was intoxicating. She felt his fingers tangle in her hair and allowed hers to do the same, letting her fingers slide through his hair before resting on his shoulders.

Several minutes later, she reluctantly pulled away. "Hey," she said breathlessly. "I hate to state the obvious here, but your mom is right upstairs and your daughter could come in the door any minute."

"My mom is in bed for the night, and Alexis calls before she leaves for home. But you're right. This isn't the time or the place." He smiled sheepishly. "Guess I got a little carried away."

She smiled and kissed him briefly. "I guess I forgive you."

This time as they sat back to watch the movie, he forced himself to keep his eyes on the television screen and focus on the movie. When he inevitably gave in to the temptation to look at her, he was surprised and mildly amused to find that she had fallen asleep with her head on his shoulder. Careful not to wake her, he gently turned sideways and moved her over so that she was resting with her head on his chest. Almost afraid to breath for fear of waking her, he sat there watching her sleep.

He had just started dozing off himself, when felt her start moving around and heard her cry out. He looked down at her, concerned. Although she was still asleep, she was becoming more and more agitated, apparently having a nightmare.

He gently shook her. "Kate. Kate, wake up."

She suddenly jerked awake, looking confused. "Castle?"

"Yeah, it's me." He could feel her trembling and pulled her close. "Shh, it's okay. You're okay."

She let herself be comforted for just a minute until she became fully awake, then she pushed herself out of his arms. "What time is it?"

He looked at his watch. "A little after 11:00." He pushed her hair out of her eyes. "That must have been some dream."

She quickly stood up. "It's getting late. I better go."

"Not so fast. I can tell that that dream really shook you up. Talk to me." '_Please talk to me,' _he thought to himself.

"It was just a dream. I'm fine." He didn't look convinced. "Really. It's no big deal. I'm used to it."

"You're used to it? You have bad dreams a lot?" The fact that she suffered from nightmares bothered him, although after all she had been through he shouldn't be surprised.

"Forget it. Listen, I really do have to go."

"You know, it might help to talk about it."

"I don't want to talk about it, Castle," she said sounding irritated.

"Really?" he asked sounding irritated himself. "You don't want to talk about it? Why doesn't that surprise me?"

When she didn't say anything, he gave up. It was late and he didn't want to fight. "You know what, just forget I said anything. Go home and get some rest."

She walked over to the door then turned around and smiled. "I had a really great time tonight. Thank you for inviting me." She waited for a second, wishing he would come over and kiss her goodbye. When he didn't she walked out.

After shutting the door, she leaned against it briefly before heading towards her car. She was feeling very disappointed. She really had enjoyed her dinner and a movie with Castle and wished it hadn't ended the way it did. She decided to put it out of her head for tonight so she could try and do as Castle had said, go home and get some sleep. Her father was coming over in the morning and that had her a little on edge.

She hadn't told Castle because she had a feeling that if he knew he would want to come over and meet him. Having him meet her father seemed so serious and she just wasn't ready for that.

**THE** next day, Kate and her father were eating lunch when there was a knock at the door. She opened it and was surprised to see Castle standing there.

"Hey, can I come in?"

She looked over her shoulder at her father. "Now's not a good time. Can I call you later?"

He didn't miss her glance back and wondered who was there that she didn't want him to see. Josh immediately came to mind.

"I just wanted to check and make sure you were okay. I was worried about you after last night. But I can see you're busy, so…"

"Hey Rick," her father said, walking up behind Kate so that Castle could see him.

He smiled, relieved that she was entertaining her father and not Josh. "Jim! Hi. Kate didn't tell me you were in town. How are you?" They shook hands as Castle walked into the room.

Kate looked back and forth between Castle and her father, confused. Looking at Castle, she said, "You know my father? How do you know my father?" He thought back to when Jim had come to see him when he was so worried about his daughter. So much had happened since then that he hadn't thought to mention their meeting and obviously Jim hadn't either.

Before either of them could answer, she turned to him and said, "Castle, I think it's best if you go now. I would like to talk to my father alone." He could tell that she was furious and was confused. He understood why she would be upset that neither of them had mentioned their meeting, but her reaction was way over the top.

He was shocked when she went off on him. "I can't believe you would go behind my back and go see my father! If I wanted you to be involved with that part of my life, I would have invited you. You invaded my personal life, Castle and I don't appreciate it!" When he didn't immediately move, she stormed over to the door and forcefully pulled it open. "I need you to leave. Now."

Castle was so angry that he left without even trying to set the record straight, shutting the door loudly behind him.

When the door shut, Kate spun around to confront her father who was also confused about her over-reaction to the situation.

"You want to tell me what that was all about?"

"What that was about is Castle over stepping his bounds. He always does that. If I draw a line, he just has to cross it. And you…why didn't you tell me that he came to see you? Didn't you think that something I would want to know?"

He let her finish her rant, knowing from years of experience that trying to interrupt her would only make things worse.

"Are you done?" he asked when she finally stopped. She nodded. "Well, first of all, Rick didn't come to see me, I went to see him."

"What? Why?"

He went and sat down on the couch and she joined him. "It was when you were trying to hunt down Lockwood. You were so determined and I was so scared. I figured he was the only one who might have a chance to get you to drop it, so I went to his loft to talk to him. After everything that happened... well I just didn't think about it again. I wasn't trying to hide it, and I'm sure Rick wasn't either."

She buried her face in her hands for a moment as she realized the mistake she had made by accusing Castle.

"Don't worry," he said knowing what she was thinking. "He'll forgive you. He's crazy about you, you know."

She looked at him curiously. "Why him? What in the world made you think that he could stop me?"

He shook his head, smiling. "Maybe because every time I talked to you I heard 'Castle said this, Castle did that.' I had never heard you talk about anyone else like you did about him. I could tell that he was someone you might listen to and I thought it was worth a shot."

She was very surprised and a little embarrassed to learn that she had talked about Castle that much.

"So tell me, Katie, how are things with you and Castle?"

She bit her lip, trying to decide what to tell her father. As a rule, she didn't have really personal conversations with him, but she was feeling so conflicted about her feelings for Castle and she did feel the need to talk to someone. Since she couldn't talk to Lanie, she decided to give her father a try.


	8. Chapter 8

**A Time to Heal**

**Chapter 8**

"**We need to talk"**

"**THINGS **with Castle are… complicated."

"Yeah" her father replied with a smile. "I got that when you yelled at him and kicked him out."

"I know, don't remind me. I shouldn't have treated him like that. I just didn't sleep well last night so I was kind of on edge."

"Come on, Kate. If we're going to talk, let's talk. It's more than you not getting enough sleep. You were really angry at him when you thought he had come to see me."

"Fine. I was really mad. So?"

"Why did that bother you so much?"

"I don't know. I just feel better if I keep my personal life personal, is that so wrong?"

"I don't know if it's wrong exactly, but I think it's strange. I got the impression that you and Rick were really close."

"We are close. He's a great friend. And we started dating a few weeks ago." Saying the words out loud sounded awkward to her.

Her father smiled. "Good for you. I really like Rick. So what's the complicated part?"

She stood up and started pacing. She wasn't sure how to explain it.

"I don't know. It just is. I guess I'm just too –I don't know. I think that we just aren't on the same page. It seems like every time I think things are going fine, he wants something more."

"More? More what?"

"Just more. More of me. And I don't know how to give it to him. I know it bothers him. He tries to hide it, but I can tell."

Although she was scarce on the details, he was pretty sure he knew exactly what the problem with her relationship with Castle. After his wife's murder, he had buried himself in the bottle, a fact that he wasn't proud of. When he finally dug himself out, with Kate's help, he had a whole different daughter. Once out-going, carefree and full of fun, the new Kate was serious, afraid to trust and withdrawn. Counseling had helped, but she had never fully bounced back. One frustrating change was the way she reacted whenever he tried to get her to talk about her pain. She would either storm out or start a fight. The more stressed out she was, the bigger the reaction. He had jokingly referred to it as her primitive fight or flight instinct. If he was a betting man, he would bet that Castle often found himself on the receiving end of this same reaction when he tried to talk with her.

He didn't know Rick well, but he didn't seem like the type to give up easily and as he had told Kate, he did seem crazy about her. He really hoped he wouldn't give up. Kate deserved happiness and he had a feeling that Rick could give it to her.

He stood up and went to her, putting his arm around her. "I wish I knew what to say to make this better for you honey. I know trust doesn't come easily for you."

"Gee, I wonder why," Kate mumbled under her breath. The fact that he hadn't been there for her after her mother's murder had been a huge stumbling block in their relationship for a long time. It was better than it was, but he was afraid it would never completely go away. It hurt to know that he played a part in her emotional issues.

"Kate, I know..."

"Just leave it, okay Dad?" She immediately felt guilty for her unthinking remark. She could tell she had hurt his feelings, and he was trying so hard to help. She turned and gave him a giant hug. "I'm sorry. I really do appreciate you listening Dad."

He returned the hug. "You're welcome. Anytime you need to talk, I'm here for you. I'm sure things will work themselves out." They visited for just a little longer, then he had to leave.

As soon as he walked out, Kate pulled out her cell phone. She owed Castle an apology. She frowned when her call went to voice mail. She tried again with the same response. She decided to leave a message. "Hey Castle, it's me. Umm, I need to talk to you. Give me a call."

She decided to go and work out while she waited for Castle to call her back. She had already been on edge from the night before when Castle had gotten upset with her for not wanting to talk about her bad dreams. She had come home and went to bed, only to be woken up by the same dream. Not having Castle there to comfort her only served to make it seem worse, which really freaked her out. She was sure that her high level of stress was what caused her to flip out earlier. She hoped that the physical exertion would do its job of relieving the stress.

Hours later, as Kate got ready for bed, she couldn't help but be disappointed by the fact that Castle hadn't returned her call. She would just have to apologize tomorrow, she decided before falling into a restless sleep.

**THE **following morning, when Kate arrived at work, she looked up at his window, as she did every morning. Only now she didn't try to hide it, and he was always there looking back. She frowned when she didn't see him. She set her things down at her desk and then headed to his office. She was anxious to get the apology over with.

She knocked on his open door. "Hey Castle, can I come in?" she asked when she saw him sitting at the computer.

He looked up. "Sure."

"I tried calling you yesterday. Didn't you get my message?"

"Yeah, I got it. I guess I just didn't feel like talking."

She sat on the corner of his desk. "I can't say I blame you. I was calling to apologize for the way I acted yesterday. My dad told me what had actually happened. I was wrong and I'm really sorry." She smiled at him flirtatiously. "Forgive me?"

Her smile quickly faded when he didn't smile back. "Why didn't you tell me that your father was in town?"

"What?" she asked, completely thrown off by the question.

"You knew that your father was coming over. You assumed that I had never met him. Didn't you think I might want to?"

Of course she had known. That's _why_ she hadn't told him.

When she didn't immediately answer, he continued. "What was it you said last night, that I had invaded your personal life? How long have we known each other? You just had dinner at my house with my daughter and my mother. And I don't even get to meet your father? Am I supposed to be okay with that?"

Before she could answer, there was a knock on the door.

Without waiting for a response, Esposito popped his head in. "Yo, Castle. We've got a job waiting for you over there. It's about a… um, am I interrupting something?" he asked when he noticed the tension in the room.

"No," Castle answered. "You're not interrupting anything. I'll be right there." Esposito didn't look convinced, but he left without saying anything else, just shaking his head.

Kate was relieved by Esposito's timely visit. She didn't like the way the conversation had been going. She got up from the desk. "Duty calls, Mr. Castle," she said teasingly.

"Kate," he said, his tone much more serious than hers. "We need to talk."

"Sure, okay."

"How about I stop over tonight?" he asked.

"You know, tonight's not good. But we'll talk soon, okay?" She quickly walked out without waiting for his answer.

Castle shook his head in frustration. 'We'll talk soon' was Kate's way of saying 'let me put this off until Castle drops it.' He wished he could drop it. He wished that he could be content with what they had now. It was so much more than they had before. But he had done a lot of soul searching last night and had come to the conclusion that he couldn't be content with what they had. It reminded him of how he had felt when the new Captain had first come on board and told him that he wasn't needed there anymore. How he had snuck around solving cases behind her back. At first it was fun and exciting, but as each day passed he had become more and more disillusioned as he was always on the outside looking in. Had she not found him out and given him a job, he was pretty sure he would have eventually given up and moved on.

His relationship with Kate was the same thing. At first he was so thrilled with the fun flirting and the stolen kisses that he had buried his disappointment in the fact that he had to sneak around and be careful not to ask too many questions. But he was noticing that his disappointment was beginning to turn into resentment. He wanted this relationship with Kate to work so badly that it hurt, but it wasn't really a relationship the way it was. So no, he wasn't going to drop it. He knew she wouldn't like it, but he was going to her place tonight and tell her how he felt. Pushing her had worked before, getting her to admit her feelings for him and getting them this far. He figured it would work again. At least he hoped so.

**THAT** evening, Kate again found herself squaring off with her punching bag. Although they had worked together on a case all day, Castle had been very distant, moving away when she tried to sneak in any kind of physical contact. His telling her that they needed to talk in that serious tone, combined with his standoffish behavior, had her concerned. That was the last thing she needed the day after spending time with her father. His visits always brought back unhappy memories, putting her in an unsettled mood which she knew would make talking to Castle a really bad idea.

That is why, when she heard a knock at the door a couple of minutes later, her stomach dropped in dread. She knew immediately that it was Castle. Knowing that it was futile to pretend she wasn't home, she reluctantly went over and opened the door. As they stood there looking at each other in the open doorway, she had a sinking feeling that this conversation was going to go very badly. By the look on his face, Castle was thinking the same thing.


	9. Chapter 9

**A Time to Heal**

**Chapter 9**

**One Foot Out The Door**

**SHE **moved away from the door without saying anything, allowing him to enter the room. She took a deep breath before turning around to face him.

He smiled slightly, aware that she was not happy with him for showing up. "Hey, come here. Let's sit down."

"I don't want to sit down. Look, I told you that I was sorry about the way I treated you yesterday, and I meant it. And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that my dad was coming for a visit. What else can I do?"

"You can sit down and talk to me."

"I told you that tonight's not a good time. Can't this wait?"

"Wait until when? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? There never seems to be a good time to talk to you, Kate."

His slightly sarcastic tone ticked her off. "Why are you doing this, Castle? Why can't you just leave things alone! What we have is working, why do you have to mess that up?"

"Well, maybe I don't think what we have is working," he said harshly.

That surprised her. She knew that he wished she would share more with him, but she had assumed that aside from that he was a happy as she was.

"What we have is fun, Kate, but there has to be more to a relationship than fun. I shouldn't have to tiptoe around, worried that if I ask you the wrong thing you're going to shut down or walk away."

"Come on, Castle. Don't you think you're exaggerating?"

"No actually, I don't think so. The other night when you came over to eat, you had to change because your shirt got wet. Do you think I didn't notice how you buttoned every single button on the shirt you borrowed? I wanted to ask if it was because of your of scar. I wondered if it was because you didn't want me to see it, or maybe because it reminded you of the shooting. We haven't even talked about that. But I knew better than to ask and risk ruining our evening. Then later when you woke up from that bad dream, I wanted to be able to talk to you about it, maybe help you work through it. I took the risk and tried to talk to you about it and what happened?"

When she didn't respond, he continued, "You told me you were fine and it was late and you had to go." Just thinking about it made the frustration he had been feeling come back full force. "You know, I remember the fight we had here before… everything with Lockwood and Roy. You asked me what we were. I said I didn't know what we were, and I guess I still don't. What are we, Kate? We're not a couple. I can't even tell anyone about us, you won't talk about anything important, were like friends with benefits." He laughed humorlessly. "Or rather friends without benefits."

That finally got a response from her. "So is that what this is all about? You're not getting any?"

"No! Of course not! At least not the way you're thinking. If what I was looking for was just sex, I would have been gone a long time ago. It's not that you hold back in the bedroom, it's that you hold back with everything. I just feel like what we have is so superficial. Like we're just going through the motions." He remembered a conversation he had with her a long time ago. He reached over and put his hand on her cheek and waited for her to really look at him. "Kate, you still have one foot out the door."

She pulled her face away. She too remembered that conversation and knew exactly what he meant. "I can't believe you're doing this. What about what you said, that my baggage didn't matter? That you wouldn't change a thing about me, that we would work through this together?"

"I meant that. I still do. But it's not going to happen without some effort. I think you're content with what we have and so you're not even trying. We can't move forward if you won't even try!"

She couldn't believe they were having this conversation. Although he couldn't see it, she had opened up more to him than anyone else, but obviously it still wasn't enough. She felt the sting of tears in her eyes and turned her head until she could blink them away hoping he wouldn't see them. She could feel her heart racing, usually the first sign of a panic attack. She forced herself to breathe deeply, in an attempt to keep it at bay. Focusing on her clenched hands, she asked, "So what are you saying? Are you giving me an ultimatum, Castle? Either I start sharing or you're out?"

The question rendered him temporarily speechless. What _was_ he saying? He hadn't thought that far ahead. He had known that this was going to be a tough conversation. He had known that she would be upset, and he even expected that there would most likely be a fight. Somehow it never occurred to him that she would see it as an ultimatum. He had no idea how to answer. Honestly, he was tempted to just tell her to forget the whole conversation and just try to live with what they had and hope she would come around, but he knew that wasn't the answer.

He took so long answering that she finally looked up and met his eyes. He looked at her sadly. "I don't know. I just know that I can't keep going the way we are and be happy."

She had no idea what to say to that. She knew that she could fix this by simply giving him what he wanted. She wished she could, but somehow holding in her feelings and fears had become who she was, and she just couldn't lose herself again. The realization that she was going to lose Castle because of it was almost too much to bear. The tears she had managed to blink away ealier were back and she had to try hard not to let them fall. She felt her chest tighten as she tried to catch her breath. She was afraid that if she didn't stop this conversaton now, she was going to have a full blown panic attack, and she wasn't about to let him witness that.

Determinded to get him to leave, she said sarcastically, "Well, I guess you won't be surprised when I tell you that I'm done talking about this. There's really nothing left to say. Now please go." She walked over and opened the door. He reluctantly followed her. He was shocked at the way this was turning out, but didn't know what to do about it.

Before he walked out, she shook her head sadly and said, "I knew it." When Castle looked at her questioningly, he could see the tears standing in her eyes. "I should have known better than to trust you."

Her tears and words felt like a knife in his chest. He suddenly felt the need to try one more time. "This isn't about trusting me. It's about trusting yourself, trusting us. Please, Kate."

He saw her tears finally fall as she shut the door in his face.


	10. Chapter 10

**A Time to Heal**

**Chapter 10**

**'Where do we go from here?'**

**AS** the door shut behind Castle, the tears that she had so strenuously held back finally fell. She made no effort to wipe them away. Feeling numb, she made her way into her bedroom where she took off her workout clothes and stepped into the shower. It wasn't until she got out of the shower and reached for the shirt hanging on the back of the bathroom door that the significance of her fight with Castle really sunk in and her silent tears turned to quiet sobs. With shaking fingers, she buttoned the shirt up and looked at herself in the mirror.

She had slept in Castle's shirt every night since wearing it home after dinner at his place. For some reason she slept better wearing it, not that she would ever admit it to Castle. She frowned at herself in the mirror at that thought. '_Not that I would ever admit it to Castle,' _she repeated to herself. That type of thinking was exactly the problem.

As always when she looked into the mirror these days, her eyes were drawn to the scar she saw in her reflection. She absently traced it with her finger, remembering how she had worried about him seeing it when she had put his shirt on. How relieved she had been when he refrained from asking her about it. As she finished getting ready for bed, she couldn't help but wonder how many other times he had made the decision to keep quiet in order to avoid upsetting her. The thought was troubling. Crawling under the covers and hugging his shirt tightly around her, she knew that tonight it wasn't going to help her get the good night sleep she sought.

**WHEN** Castle got home that evening, Martha could tell by looking at him that something was wrong. She was pretty sure it had something to do with Kate. It seemed like for the last two and a half years if something was wrong, it had to do with Kate. She poured him a drink and motioned for him to join her on at the table.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He looked almost confused. "I think I just broke up with Kate."

"What? But I thought things were going so well. Everything seemed fine when she was here for dinner Friday night. More than fine. What happened?"

He told her about his conversation with Kate earlier. "I feel horrible. I know I hurt her. I guess I just didn't think it would get to this point."

"What exactly did you think would happen? If she wasn't ready to talk a few days ago, did you really think that giving her an ultimatum like that was going to get her to open up now?"

"I told you, I didn't mean for it to come out as an ultimatum."

"Well if you didn't mean for it to be an ultimatum, why not just tell her that? Tell her that you were just sharing how you felt and that it didn't have to be the end of your relationship. I'm sure she'll understand."

"I thought of saying that. I came very close to saying that. But if I did, we would be right back where we started. Nothing would change."

"And you couldn't live with that, right?"

"Right."

"Hmmm."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Come on. If you have something to say, say it."

"Well, it's just..."

"Just what?"

"It's just that we did talk about this, didn't we? Before you decided to pursue this, we talked about how she had issues. How you would have to be patient. I thought that you were committed to making it work? I guess I'm confused and a little disappointed in your decision."

Her criticism stung. He had to fight the instinct to just walk away and go somewhere alone to deal with his reeling emotions, but he forced himself to stay, wanting her to understand why he did what he did.

He started talking quietly. "Do you know what it's like, coming to work every day and having to pretend that there is nothing going on between us? How we have to sneak around? I see Jenny come in and eat lunch with Ryan. I see Esposito with his arm around Lanie, laughing. They talk about their lives, their plans. I think back to how it bothered me when Kate was dating Demming and then Josh. She certainly didn't hide her relationships with them from any of us. But I have to be careful not to touch her too much, or even look at her too much, because someone might figure out what's going on. Then on the rare times that we are alone, I have to be careful not to say the wrong thing or ask her anything personal and risk upsetting her."

Unable to sit still, he got up to stand by the bar. "Did you know her father was in town this weekend? She didn't even tell me. Later she told me she wanted to keep me from invading her 'personal life'. I just don't understand. I opened my home to her. I shared my family. I have done everything that I can think of to make her feel safe with me, to trust me." He shook his head sadly. "I really thought we had a chance."

Hating seeing him so upset, his mother stood up and came over to put her arm around him. After hearing what he had to say, she was sorry for her earlier reaction. Before she could apologize, he continued.

"And you're right. I _did_ know that she had issues. I _did _make a commitment to her. Don't you think I feel terrible that I wasn't able to honor that commitment? I guess I was naïve enough to think that I meant enough to her to make her take a chance on us. But I was wrong."

She hugged him close. "Richard, I'm so sorry for what I said. After hearing you describe how things are, I can see why you are so unhappy. And I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I know how badly you wanted this to work out." She pulled back in order to look up at him. "You do know that this isn't you're fault, don't you?" she asked, searching his eyes to make sure he understood that fact. "She has had a lot of hurt and a lot of loss in her lifetime and some people just can't walk away from that whole."

He knew she was trying to help, but it was doing the opposite. Although it wasn't his intention, he knew he had added to her hurt and loss. He could still hear the pain in her voice when she had said she knew she couldn't trust him. He had the sudden, sinking feeling that he had made a horrible mistake.

She looked at him knowingly. "Don't. Don't second guess yourself. You did the right thing. No relationship can last the way you described it."

"I know. You're right. The thing is, she liked the way we were. I have no doubt that if I didn't say anything, that would be as far as our relationship would go. Eventually, I think we would just have drifted apart. There wasn't enough to hold us together. There has to be more to make it work."

She hugged him again, amazed at his insight. "You're a very smart man, Richard Castle."

He returned the hug. "Thanks. Now you better get to bed. You have to get your beauty sleep after all."

"Are you sure? I can wait up with you for a while."

"No. As grateful as I am for your support, I think I just need to be alone for a while."

Knowing that sleep wasn't an option, he poured himself another drink and turned on the television in an unsuccessful attempt to take his mind off of the night's events.

**CASTLE** had to practically drag himself into work the next day. Between one too many drinks, falling asleep on the couch and a heavy heart, he was a mess physically and emotionally.

Deciding that keeping busy was the best way to avoid too much thinking, he went straight to work. Despite his best efforts, his attention kept wandering from the article he was trying to read to the window. Although he had made up his mind that he wasn't going to watch for her, that's exactly what he was doing when she walked in. He couldn't help but feel a twinge of disappointment when she went to her desk without so much as a glance towards his office. He watched her as she quickly found a file to bury her nose in, leading him to believe that she had the same plan to keep busy as he did.

He sat down at his desk, dreading going out to work with her. He didn't know how to do this. He wasn't angry with her, which made things more complicated. Anger would be easy. He just wanted to make the situation as painless as possible for both of them. How to do that was the question that had kept him up so late.

Wanting to avoid the awkwardness of being along with her, he waited until he saw Ryan and Esposito join her at the white board before he came out of his office. He walked up as casually as possible, putting her coffee on the table next to her and asked them to bring him up to speed with the case. Her incredible ability to pull herself together when working a case had always fascinated him, and continued to do so now. Although things were a little subdued, the four of them were able to work together without too much trouble. He didn't know if Ryan and Esposito noticed that anything was off or not, but if they did, they were smart enough to keep it to themselves.

Lunchtime proved to be the hardest part of the day. Not only was it hard to make small talk under the circumstances, but eating lunch together had become a part of their daily routine over the past several weeks. It never failed that at some point she would end up purposely licking her lips to tease him, and they always took advantage of that time to hold hands under the table. Not having that connection anymore was upsetting. He was only able to eat a couple of bites before giving up and throwing away the majority of his lunch and going back to work. It wasn't long before she did the same, leaving Ryan and Esposito alone at the table, looking confused and concerned.

Ryan watched Beckett walk away before turning to Esposito and saying, "That was weird. You don't think they broke up do you?"

"Gee, aren't you Mr. Perceptive," Esposito replied jokingly. "I think that's a distinct possibility. They've been acting weird all day."

"Yeah. Of course, it's not like we can go and ask them either, since we're not supposed to know they were dating in the first place."

They both shook their heads. How could they have thought they were keeping their relationship a secret? It was obvious from day one what was going on.

"Well, if they did break up, it's not going to be pretty," Esposito said as he pulled out his cell phone.

"You callin' Lanie?"

"Yep. I figure Beckett's going to need a friend."

After speaking with Lanie and filling her in on their observations of the morning, they went back to work. As the afternoon wore on, they became more and more convinced that their theory was correct. Although there was no fighting, the lighthearted banter was missing and they managed to stay far enough away from each to avoid any accidental touching. By far the biggest give away was the looks they kept not giving each other. Beckett would watch Castle when he was looking the other way, only to quickly focus on the board whenever he turned in her direction and he did the same. Amusing as it was, Ryan and Esposito knew that eventually something would have to give, and as Esposito had pointed out, it was not going to be pretty.

By the end of the day, Castle was emotionally drained. Spending the day working with Kate, but without any personal connection left him asking himself, '_Where do we go from here?'_


	11. Chapter 11

**A Time to Heal**

**Chapter 11**

**Hiding the Pain**

**KATE** was relieved when the day was over and she could finally leave the station. She walked into the elevator and waited until the doors softly closed before allowing herself to relax. Determined to hide her true feelings, she had spent the whole day working to maintain the facade that everything was fine. She was fairly sure that she had pulled it off, but it hadn't been easy.

She was somewhat surprised that Castle hadn't addressed the situation at all. She had halfway expected him to try and corner her to make sure she was okay or try again to defend his decision. She told herself that she wasn't even a little disappointed that he hadn't made the effort to fix things.

With this day behind her, she found herself wondering what would happen now. Would every day be another one like today, where every time she saw him, or heard his voice, she would brace herself against the feeling of loss that kept washing over her? Or would each day get easier as they got used to their new relationship, whatever that would be. Although technically possible, she couldn't imagine them ever getting back what they had before they had started dating. How could she just sit and talk to him? Joke around with him? How could she go on pretending nothing had ever happened between them? They had been lucky today. Someone had always been around and thankfully they didn't have any off site work. How was she going to handle riding in a car with him after all of this?

She felt a wave of anger surface as she realized the magnitude of the situation. Her worse fears were realized. Her relationship with him hadn't worked out and not only did she have to deal with that loss, she had to face the fact that she had also lost a close friend. She was so mad at herself for taking the chance with him against her better judgment. Things might not have perfect before, but she had been content. Then he made her think she could be happy with him and she had a glimpse of what could be, only to have it ripped away. The anger at herself was soon directed towards Castle. Why had he worked so hard to get them together only to give up on them so soon? Why didn't he fight harder to make it work?

**CASTLE** was also anxious to leave after the long, stressful day at work. He counted down the minutes and left as soon as the clock hit 5:00. Not surprisingly, when he arrived home he was met at by his daughter.

Alexis looked at him with concern in her eyes. "Gram told me what happened with Beckett. I'm so sorry dad. Are you okay?"

He gave her a small, sad smile. "Thanks sweetheart. And no, I'm not okay. But I will be," he replied as much to convince himself as her.

Hearing his voice, Martha came rushing in from the other room. She had the same look of concern in her eyes that he had seen in Alexis'. "You're home! How are you? How was work?"

He knew she meant how did it go with Kate at work. "Actually it went okay. Kate and I were very... civil. I was worried that she would be really mad, or hurt, but she seemed okay. In fact, I was surprised at just how okay she was."

Alexis picked up on his tone. "You sound disappointed."

"What? No of course not. Why would I be disappointed?"

"I don't know. If I broke up with Ashley and I saw him the next day and he acted like everything was fine I would be devastated!"

Actually he had been a little hurt by her reaction, or lack of one. He had felt his gut twist every time she walked into the room, but she didn't seem to have any reaction. Apparently this wasn't affecting her like it was him. He reassured himself that this was an indication that he had made the right decision to walk away. He would have always been more invested in the relationship than she was.

Martha watched the play of emotions on his face. "Maybe you were hoping she would be a little upset? Maybe enough to want to work things out?"

"Of course. I wish she would have come in devastated that we broke up and ready to do anything to save the relationship. But, since that's not the way it worked out, I think I can honestly say that I'm glad she's okay."

"How can you feel that way?" Alexis asked. "Maybe I'm wrong for saying it, but if I were you I would want her to be miserable too."

Martha put her arm around Alexis. "You know, when you truly love someone, you want what's best for them, even when it's not what's best for you."

Alexis shrugged, not completely convinced. "I just want you to be happy, Dad."

"I know. Don't worry. I'll be fine."

She gave him a kiss on the cheek and went into the kitchen to finish dinner.

"So work was really okay today?" she asked after Alexis left the room. She knew that her son worried about upsetting her and might not be as forthcoming when she was there.

"No. It was horrible. Spending the day working side by side with her, knowing that we're over, was awful. I kept going over everything in my head, wondering if I could have done or said something differently that would have made a difference. You know, I was telling the truth when I said that I want her to be okay, but a small part of me thinks like Alexis. It bothers me to see her go on like nothing ever happened."

She nodded, understanding how he would feel that way.

"Listen, I had a long day. I think I'm going to turn in early."

"But Alexis is making dinner. It's your favorite."

"I'm not really hungry. Goodnight."

"Goodnight." Martha watched him go up the stairs, her heart breaking for him. Although she didn't tell him, she was also very worried about Kate. She may not have been ready to deal with it, but Martha knew that she had strong feelings for her son. If she was acting like nothing had happened, it was just that- acting. She was surprised that he hadn't recognized it for what it was. He knew more than anyone how good she was at burying her feelings. She had almost pointed it out to him, but thought that it might make things worse. He didn't need to worry about Kate's pain while he was dealing with his own.

**RYAN** and Esposito both showed up early for the work the next day to talk about the situation between Castle and Beckett.

"So, what do you think happened?" Ryan asked Esposito.

"You got me. Must have been something pretty big though. They're not even fighting."

"What did Lanie say about it?"

"She hasn't told me anything. I don't think she's talked to her yet, but I'm not sure. The whole best friend thing trumps the boyfriend thing when it comes to something like this. If Beckett told her not to talk to me about it, she won't."

"Really? And you let her get away with that?" Ryan said smiling.

"Yeah, well you know how it is. It doesn't hurt to let her think she's in control once in a while, right?"

Ryan laughed. "If you say so."

"Hey, Beckett!," Esposito said loudly in order to alert Ryan that she had walked in. He didn't want to be caught talking about her.

"Hey Esposito. Got anything new for us?"

"Yeah. Check this out. Our vic, he had an alias."

"Meet Mr. Charles Davis," Ryan added, posting a picture of him on the white board.

"An alias?" asked Castle as he walked up and joined the group.

"What do we know about him?" Beckett asked.

Esposito filled them in on what he had learned about the victim's other life. Before they could begin to speculate on how this may have led to his murder, Ryan left and went over to his desk.

"Hey Esposito," he called. "Come here for a minute. I want to show you what I found on that other lead."

"What other lead?" Epsosito asked, confused. He didn't know about another lead.

"You know, that other lead," Ryan said, motioning for him to come over. Suddenly Esposito realized that Ryan just wanted to get him over so Castle and Beckett could be alone.

"Oh _that_ other lead. Got it." He smiled at and walked over to Ryan where they pretended to focus on the computer screen in front of them and not on the couple that suddenly found themselves alone.

"Hey," Castle finally said after several moments of silence.

"Hey."

"You okay?"

"Yep. I'm fine. You?"

"I've been better." More silence. "So this is weird, huh?"

She nodded, although weird wasn't the word she would have chosen. She would have chosen awkward. Uncomfortable. Painful.

"You know, I never meant to-"

"You know what,Castle? It's over. I think it's best if we just leave it alone."

"Sure. No problem," he said tersely.

"Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to use the bathroom." She quickly moved passed him and headed to the bathroom.

When Ryan and Esposito saw her walk away, they joined Castle at the board.

"Everything okay?" Esposito asked.

"Sure. Everything's just fine," he replied.

"Are you sure? Because we're here for you if you want to talk," Ryan added.

Castle looked at them through narrowed eyes. Finally he smiled, shaking his head.

"How long have you known?"

"Pretty much the whole time."

"It was pretty obvious, Bro. At least to us."

"Yeah. It was just a matter of time before you got together. We were just waiting for you two to figure it out."

"So spill. What happened?"

He started to tell them, but stopped. Even though he and Kate were over, he knew she wouldn't want him talking about it to them.

"I'd rather not talk about. But thanks. I appreciate the thought. Really."

Before they could say anything else, Beckett came back and joined them. They immediately jumped right back into working on the case.

Several long hours later, both Castle and Beckett left feeling the strain of another day spent pretending things were okay, when they clearly were not.

As soon as she left the station, Beckett pulled out her cell phone and dialed. "Lanie? Are you busy?"


	12. Chapter 12

**A Time to Heal**

**Chapter 12**

**You're Leaving?**

**(_Author's note: I know, I know. I'm getting there :) Two more chapters- maybe three.)_**

**COME** in, Kate yelled from the couch when she heard the knock. Lanie opened the door and walked in. She looked over at Kate who was sitting on the couch in her sweats cradling a carton of Chocolate Chunk ice cream on her lap.

"Uh, oh. This is serious," Lanie joked sitting down next to her. Kate handed her a spoon. After taking a bite, Lanie turned to her and said, "So it's about time you called."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you broke up with Castle over two days ago, and you just now decided to tell me?"

"What.. I...who told you that?"

"Javier."

"What! Esposito told you that Castle and I broke up?"

"But how did he... Castle!"

"Whoa, relax. Castle didn't tell him."

Seeing her confused look, Lanie laughed. "Girl, did you really think you could hide something like that? He called me weeks ago to tell me what was going on between you and Castle. Then he called me to tell me that he thought you two broke up." Turning more serious, Lanie said, "I was surprised that you didn't tell me yourself."

Kate put down the spoon. "I'm sorry Lanie. I wanted to tell you, but... "

"But what?"

"If I told you, you would have to tell Esposito and, well I just didn't want everyone to know."

"You could have told me. I wouldn't have told him if you told me not to." Kate could hear the hurt in her voice.

"I know. I'm really am sorry. But it didn't feel right making you keep something like that from him. You guys seem so happy. I didn't want to mess that up for you. If it makes you feel any better, I've been going crazy without you to talk to about it."

"Well," she said. "I guess it does help. A little."

"And I did call you now...that should count for something."

"Yes, you did. Okay. You're forgiven. Now tell Lanie all about it."

She sat there for a minute, not knowing how to start. Then she started talking and everything just tumbled out.

Finally she caught up to the present. "So now, I have to go to work everyday and pretend like everything is okay, but it's not. Everything is so messed up. How could he do this to me, Lanie? He just gave up on us. Why didn't he try harder?"

Lanie looked at her incredulously. "Don't you think you're being a little unfair? I think he could be asking himself the same question, don't you? The way I see it, he tried pretty hard."

"Hey, whose side are you on?"

"Yours. But you know me. I call it like I see it."

"So you think this is my fault?"

"I don't know if it's a matter of fault. I don't think that you can help how you are any more than he is can help who he is. You want what you had, he wants more. He wants a real relationship. You can't blame him for that."

Kate frowned. This conversation wasn't going at all like she thought it was going to. She had envisioned Lanie consoling her and joining her in some good old fashioned male bashing over a carton of ice cream. Instead she was challenging her with some pretty serious opinions.

"You want to know what I think?" Lanie continued. "I think you already know that. Look, I've known you a long time, Kate. This wouldn't be the first time that you've used anger to cover your feelings. Maybe you need to look past that and see what you find."

"That's it? Look past my anger and see what I find? That's your great advice?"

"Yep. That's it. Now, I have to go."

"Hot date with Esposito?"

"You know it!"

"Well, have fun. And thanks Lanie."

"You're very welcome. Call me tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure." She walked Lanie to the door and then went back to the couch and her ice cream. Kate suddenly felt very alone. She thought back to her date with Castle just few days ago and how much fun they had had. Now she was sitting home alone drowning her sorrows in Chocolate. She still couldn't believe how quickly it had all changed.

She thought about what Lanie had said about Castle just wanting a real relationship. Could she blame him for that? No, especially because she wanted that too. More than anything she wanted that and what was worse, she had been so close to having it. She remembered how she had felt the night that she finally broke down and admitted to having feelings for him. She had been so happy when she left his place. She had believed that finally she was going to be able to put her fears behind her and have the kind of love that everyone else took for granted. Fighting back tears, she thought about all that had happened between now and then. It still hurt, knowing that he had given up trying to work things out with her, but she couldn't be angry with him. Lanie was right. He had tried. It might not be her fault, but it wasn't his either. She also knew that she wasn't the only one hurting.

'_So what am I going to do about it?' _she thought to herself. The answer came easily. They may not be able to have the relationship they wanted, but she knew Castle, and he had always been there. She knew if she told him she wanted to work on their friendship, he would do it. For her. And who knows, maybe one day she would be ready for more. Suddenly she couldn't wait for morning to come so she could talk to him.

**MORNING** came way too soon for Castle. He had been up half the night doing some serious soul searching. He had come to the conclusion that maybe Kate wasn't as okay as she let on. He was pretty sure that she had been fighting tears when she had rushed off to the bathroom yesterday at work. Because he had been so preoccupied with his own feelings, it hadn't occurred to him until then that she was doing what she always did. Hide. The fact that she was hurting too only made how he felt more complicated. He couldn't help feeling angry that things didn't work out when he had tried so hard, but he also felt incredibly sad. On top of that he felt guilty that he had and inadvertently hurt her.

He had to remind himself that she had warned him that she wasn't ready for a relationship, but he had pushed anyway, foolishly thinking that love conquers all.

Sadly, reality had proven him wrong.

He had once said that friend or more, he needed her in his life. That too had been foolish thinking. He wasn't sure if he was able to go back to just being friends with her, even if she was willing. He had planned on being her one and done and he was having a hard time getting used to the fact that he wasn't going to be. He thought that if he spent some time away from her, maybe he could be more objective and figure out how and if she could be a part of his life.

It was with that thought in mind that he nervously knocked on the Captain's office door.

"Come in."

"Good morning, Captain. Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Of course." She motioned to the chair across from her desk. "Sit down. What can I do for you?"

"I know I haven't been here long. At least not officially. But I would like to request some time off. I have some... personal things I need to take care of."

"Some personal things?" she asked. The way she said it made him think that Esposito and Ryan may not be the only ones who knew about him and Kate.

She looked at him for a long time, obviously trying to make up her mind whether or not to grant his request.

"I have found that employees whose minds are elsewhere can't do their job effectively. I need your mind here Mr. Castle. So yes, take your few days to figure out your 'personal' issues. But when you come back, I need you 100% here. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal clear. Thank you, Captain."

He left her office and went to find Ryan and Esposito. He wanted to tell them personally about his decision.

A half an hour later, Kate walked into the station. She looked over and was surprised to see the light in Castle's office was off. He was usually here before she was. She didn't mind though, because it gave her time to prepare herself emotionally to talk to him about her thoughts from the night before. She went to find Esposito and Ryan. She stopped when she saw them standing with Castle. They looked like they were having a serious conversation. Just as she walked up, Castle shook Esposito's hand and then gave Ryan a 'man' hug. When she heard Esposito say "Take care, man," she felt her stomach drop.

She looked at each of them. "What's going on? Everything okay?"

When both Ryan and Esposito turned to Castle, she did too.

"Castle?"

"I was just telling the guys, I'm taking some time off."

"You're leaving?"

"Yeah. I think it's best if I get away for a while. I need to figure some things out."

Before she could say anything, he said goodbye and walked out.

She looked at the Ryan and Esposito in shock. "Did he say when he's coming back?"

"Don't know. He's not sure if he is coming back." They both looked bothered by the thought and went back to work, talking to each other about what had just occurred. Kate walked slowly back to her desk and sat down. She looked up just in time to see Castle step into the elevator. Right before the doors shut, he looked up and their eyes met. Then he was gone.

"**YOU'RE **leaving?" Alexis asked, surprised.

"Just for a little while. I'm going to head to the Hamptons. Maybe do some writing."

"It's because of Kate, isn't it?"

Martha was concerned about his decision. "Are you sure about this? Running away isn't like you."

"I'm not running away, Mother. I just need time to think. Decide what I want to do."

"I'm coming with you, Dad. Give me twenty minutes to pack."

"I appreciate the thought, but I really want some time alone."

She looked unhappy about it, but didn't push the issue. "I'll go pack you some food for the trip." He smiled at her as she rushed into the kitchen.

"So the Captain's okay with you taking time off?" Martha asked.

"Yep. Cleared it with her this morning."

"And you're sure this is what you want to do?"

"Yes Mother, I'm sure. I promised Kate that she wouldn't lose my friendship, but right now I can't keep that promise. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I think I deserve to be a little selfish right now. I think it will be better for both of us in the long run to step back and decide what we want without the emotional strain of trying to figure out how to work around each other."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Do you regret it?"

"Regret what?"

"Trying to make a relationshiop work with Kate. Knowing what you know now."

Before he could answer, Alexis came bounding back in. "When are you leaving?"

"First thing in the morning. So if you ladies will excuse me, I have to go pack."


	13. Chapter 13

**A Time to Heal**

**Chapter 13**

**Do You Think He'll Come Back?**

**THE **atmosphere at the 12th the following morning was quiet and somber. It didn't help that Kate was feeling very frustrated that Castle had taken off without letting her even talk to him. Although she was pretty sure that he wasn't gone for good, she thought that he could be had her very depressed.

When the guys came over to work with her on the case, she couldn't help but try and find out if they had any information.

"So, what exactly did Castle say before he left?"

"Nothing. Just that he needed some time away," Ryan replied.

"Come on, you expect me to believe that he didn't tell you anything else?"

When Ryan didn't answer, Esposito said, "He didn't have to say anything else. It's obvious that things went south between you two and he didn't feel like sticking around."

She was surprised at his tone. "Are you guys mad at me because he left?"

Ryan immediately answered, "Of course not!" but she noticed that he didn't meet her eyes when he said it.

"Esposito?" she asked when he didn't answer.

He hesitated before shrugging his shoulders. "No, I guess not. I just hate to see the man so down."

That stung a little. She had been friends and co-workers with them a lot longer than Castle had, and it seemed like they were siding with him.

"Did he say when he's coming back?"

Ryan shook his head.

"Well, you don't think he'd leave for good, do you? I mean, he's got a job here, friends... No way would he leave." She hoped she sounded more convincing then she felt.

"I don't know, Beckett. You'd have to ask him," Esposito told her.

Ryan smiled reassuringly. "I doubt if he'll stay away for good. I think it's just like he said, he needs some time away. I know if I broke up with Jenny, I wouldn't be able to be around her without going crazy."

She didn't know what to say to that. Lanie had told them that they knew, but actually talking about it with them felt strange. "Well, that's different. You and Jenny are engaged. Things with us weren't that serious."

"Maybe not to you," Esposito said quietly.

Not knowing how to respond to that, she said, "Castle and I are just, I mean we _were_ just..."

They both looked at her expectantly. Esposito finally asked the question that was on all of their minds. "You were just what?"

She frowned as she tried to even put a name on what they were. Obviously they weren't engaged. Saying he was her boyfriend didn't sound right. '_Just dating?' _she thought to herself. Did that fit? They hadn't actually gone on too many dates. The phrase 'I don't know what we were' immediately popped into her head, since it had come up so much with her and Castle in the past. That thought upset her so much that she gave up and changed the subject.

"Never mind. Listen, we better get to work before the Captain comes down here and starts asking questions."

That thought got them moving. "Yo, let's go," Esposito said to Ryan before they both walked over to work on their leads. That left Kate to work the board alone. Determined not to let her personal issues get in the way of doing her job, she forced herself to focus. It wasn't easy.

Soon the guys came back to help her out and they were able to put together enough to warrant bringing in the suspect for questioning. It wasn't a good idea to go alone, and it didn't seem right to take anyone but Castle with her so she had Ryan and Esposito go and pick him up. When they got back, she managed to get through the interview, but her heart wasn't in night she went home and went to bed hoping that Castle would be back to work the next day. She was anxious to talk to him and find a way to rebuild their friendship.

**SHE** felt a sharp twinge of disappointment when she walked into the station the following day, and the next three days after that, and saw his office light still off. Throwing herself into her work was the only thing that came close to taking her mind off of her problems, so she did so, but it got to the point that when she came in, she felt like she was just going through the motions. It didn't help that she hadn't been sleeping well. Her nightmares were worse than ever, brought on by her stress she assumed. She knew her co-workers felt it to, as she had almost bitten their head's off several times.

When she came in on the fifth day and Esposito and Ryan shook their head's at her questioning look, she decided that she couldn't stand it anymore. She slipped into the break room and took out her cell phone. After sitting there for what seemed like forever, she finally punched in his number. She held her breath, waiting for him to answer. She let it out in a loud sigh when it went to voice mail. "Hey. It's me. Beckett...um Kate. Give me a call." She hung up feeling foolish for stumbling through the message. She sat there nervously for 15 minutes waiting for him to call back. When he didn't, she called again. This time when it went to voice mail she just hung up.

Disappointed, she reluctantly went back to work. She joined Ryan and Esposito at the white board. They didn't seem as upset as she was, but they weren't themselves. The light-hearted banter was missing and they seemed to be careful around her. She would be embarrassed to know that when she wasn't around they talked about her, worrying about how she was holding up.

Often as she worked, she found herself absently looking over for Castle's response, forgetting that he wasn't there. If she thought she had felt stressed leaving work before, when she had to worry about keeping her composure around him, it was nothing compared to the unhappiness she felt as she left work at the end of each day without him.

On the sixth day that he still wasn't there, really started to worry that he might not come back after all. Apparently she wasn't the only one, because shortly after she arrived at work, Ryan and Esposito rushed over to her. They looked around as if trying to make sure no one was listening.

"What's wrong?" she asked confused at their behavior.

Ryan said, "I got here early and I overheard the Captain on the phone. She was leaving a message for Castle and she was not happy. She said that she expected he would be gone a day or two, not a week. Then she said if she didn't hear from him by Monday, he was fired. She sounded dead serious."

Kate felt her stomach drop. The only thing worse than Castle choosing not to come back was if he couldn't come back because he was fired.

"Someone has to do something," she said. They both looked at her. "Hey, don't look at me. I've tried calling him. He doesn't answer and won't return my calls," she added sadly.

"Well, I'm sure he'll get her message and come back, right Bro?" Esposito said.

"Right," Ryan answered.

Kate wasn't so sure. When she left work that day, she sat in her car for several minutes debating on what to do. Making up her mind, she started the car and drove to his loft, hoping to talk him into coming back to work.

**TWENTY** minutes later, Kate was outside of his door just standing there, afraid to knock. What if he wouldn't talk to her? What if he would, but she wasn't able to say what she wanted to say? She jumped when the door suddenly opened and Alexis stepped out, obviously not realizing that she was at the there.

"What are you doing here?" Alexis asked. She didn't sound mad exactly, but she didn't sound happy to see her. '_Great. Here we go again,' _Kate thought.

"I came to talk to your father. Is he home?"

"No."

"Well, do you know when he'll be home? Maybe I can wait for him?"

"Suit yourself, but you'll be waiting a long time. He's out of town."

She frowned at that, not sure whether or not to believe her. It was obvious that she wasn't thrilled with the idea of her talking to him.

"Look, I know you're not happy with me, but I really need to talk to him. It's important."

"Why don't you call him?"

"I did, but he didn't answer."

"I guess that if he wanted to talk to you, he would. But if I talk to him I'll tell him you stopped by," she conceded.

Martha had come cover to find out why Alexis was still standing in the doorway and saw her. "Kate! What are you doing here?" Although the question was the same as Alexis', the tone was much different.

"She was just leaving," Alexis said, looking at Kate defiantly.

"Nonsense. Come on in. Alexis, dear, move out of the doorway." If she hadn't been so nervous about talking to Castle, she would have laughed at the irony of the situation. It was playing out the much the same way as it had before when she had come to talk to him.

Alexis reluctantly stepped back and let her in before closing the door. Apparently she had changed her mind about leaving.

"Is he home?"

"No, I'm afraid he's not. He's out of town for a few days."

She stood there, not knowing what to do. Martha looked at her closely and thought that she looked like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders.

"Is something wrong?"

"I need to talk to him. It's important. He's not answering my calls, but maybe if you call him?"

"He's not answering my calls either. Actually I've been concerned about him. I hope he's okay," she said with a worried tone.

"But Gram, you..."

"Maybe you could do me a favor, Kate. He's at his place in the Hamptons. Would you go and check on him for me? Then you could talk to him about whatever it is that's so important."

"Oh, I don't think that's a good idea. Maybe I'll just try calling him again."

Martha grabbed her hand and Kate was surprised to see tears in her eyes. "Please. It's not like him not to answer. What if something has happened to him?"

How could she refuse. Martha had been so good to her, and it _was_ strange that he wasn't answering any of their phone calls. "Okay. I'll go check on him."

"Thank you! You're a life saver. Let me get you the addresss." Ten minutes later, she was on her way home with the address and directions. It was late, so she would have to wait until morning to leave.

As soon as the door shut behind her, Martha turned to Alexis and smiled widely. "I've still got it! Did you see that? I even whipped up tears! Tears!"

Alexis wasn't so excited. "Why did you tell her that? You've talked to Dad everyday. You know he's fine."

"Of course he's not fine. He hasn't been fine since this whole mess with Kate started. And I can tell you, Kate is far from fine. Poor girl looks like she hasn't slept in days."

"You heard her say she's been calling him. Obviously he doesn't want to talk to her. I don't think you should have sent her there."

"Look, maybe she'll go there, tell him what she needs to tell him and leave. But maybe, just maybe, this will give them the chance they need to work things out."

Alexis shook her head and walked out, not happy with her grandmother's match-making attempt. She didn't want her father hurt again.

Martha went to get herself a glass of wine, very proud of herself for thinking up such a clever plan. She sat there wishing she could be a fly on the wall when Kate showed up at her son's door tomorrow morning.


	14. Chapter 14

**A Time to Heal**

**Chapter 14**

"**You left me, Castle."**

**ONCE** again, Kate found herself standing outside of a closed door, nervously preparing to knock. Unlike yesterday, when her decision to go to Castle's loft to talk to him was on the spur of the moment, she had had a lot of time to think; both last night and on the long drive to his place in the Hamptons. She had spent that time trying to be objective about what had gone wrong with their relationship and her role in it. She had thought that all of the extra driving time would have given her more time to worry, but instead it had made her more resolved than ever to make things right. No way was she letting Castle quit and she was also going to do everything she could to convince him that they could still be friends. They were friends before, and she knew that they could find their way back there if they tried. She just had to convince him that friendship was better than nothing, not an easy task when she was still trying to convince herself. But as hard as giving up the romantic part of their relationship was, she couldn't see any way around it. She had tried, and it hadn't worked. She couldn't be mad at him, but his walking away from her had made her more determined than ever not to let him, or anyone get that close again.

With her goals firmly in mind, she quietly knocked on the door. When no one answered, she knocked harder.

Inside, Castle was sitting at his desk unsuccessfully attempting to finish the latest chapter of his book when he heard the first tentative knock at the door. Not wanting to be bothered, he ignored it. When the second, louder knock came, he sighed in frustration and went to the door. He opened it and froze when he found Kate standing there.

"Kate?" he asked, as if he couldn't trust what he was seeing.

"Um.. can I come in?" she asked when he just continued to look at her.

"Oh, yeah," he said snapping out of his shocked state and moving aside so she could walk past him.

She stepped in and looked around. "This is nice. And right by the beach. I can see why your family loves coming here."

He looked at her, confused. "Kate, what are you doing here?"

She smiled at his choice of words, seeing as she had just heard the same ones from his mother and daughter less than 24 hours ago.

"Well, no one has heard from you for days. You're mother was worried about you and asked me to come check on you."

"My mother called you?"

"No. I, uh, went to your place to talk to you but you weren't there. Of course you weren't there, you were here." She stopped, and bit her lip, aware that she was babbling. "She told me that she hadn't heard from you and was worried that something had happened to you. So she asked me if I would come and check on you. So here I am."

If possible, he looked even more confused. His mother? It only took a second for him to realize what had happened. He laughed out loud.

"It's not funny. She was really upset."

"I hate to tell you this, but you were tricked. I have talked to her or Alexis everyday since I've been here."

Now it was her turn to be confused. "What? Why would she do that?"

"Why do you think? My guess is that she wanted to get us here together so we could talk. By the way, what did you want?"

"What?" she asked, thrown by his change of subject.

"You said you showed up at my place yesterday. What did you want?"

"Oh. I..did you get the Captain's message? She said if-"

"If she doesn't hear from me by Monday, I'm fired. Yep. I got the message."

"What about my messages? You know, if you didn't want to talk to me, I wish you would just say so, not ignore my calls."

He did want to talk to her, that was the problem. "I told you when I left, I needed some time to think. I wanted to work things out for myself before talking to you."

She nodded. "Can we sit down?"

He looked surprised that they were still standing near the door. "Sure. The living room is this way."

He led them into the living room and they sat down on the couch.

She sat, looking down at her hands, which were clasped nervously in her lap. She was hoping that she could find the right words now that the time had come to actually say them.

"You know, I tried to talk to you last week, but you left before I could. I wanted you to know that I've done a lot of thinking and that I realize that you were right. I was happy with the way things were. I also realize how hard you tried to make things work with us." She looked up into his eyes briefly, before letting them drop again. "I don't blame you for wanting more. You deserve to have that. But it can't be with me."

"Kate, I-"

"Let me finish." She knew if she didn't just say it all now, she wouldn't get it said

Surprisingly, so far it wasn't as hard as she had thought it was going to be. She had been able to talk to him as a friend before. When they had become more than friends, the emotional stakes had gone way up and with it her fear. Now that that part of their relationship was over, it was a little easier.

"I want... no I _need_ you to know that I tried. I really did. You don't know how badly I wanted it to work. Since you left my place last week, I've had a lot of time to think about what has been holding me back and it comes back to control. Control and trust."

She got up and started walking around. He followed her with his eyes. "I told you that when my mom died, my dad became an alcoholic. I didn't tell you how bad things were. He started drinking before the autopsy was even finished and didn't stop for a long time. I had to pick out the casket alone. I had to plan the service alone. I was only 19. I know that technically 19 is an adult, but I can tell you, I still felt like a kid."

Castle thought about how close Alexis was to 19 and the idea of her being alone to plan his funeral was enough to make him feel sick.

"I needed my dad to be there for me, but he wasn't. I had to be there for him. If he saw me cry, he grabbed the bottle. So I didn't cry. He put all of her pictures away, all of her clothes. Soon there was nothing left except the things I had hidden away. It was like she had never even existed. It was bad enough to lose my mom, but I lost my dad too. I never understood how he could do that. Just leave me to deal with everything."

As she walked, she mostly looked down at the floor, but occasionally looked up at him. When she did, he saw anger, but her tone was very calm and steady. So much so that it bothered him, but he wasn't sure why.

"So basically after my mother died, I spent the next year pretending not to hurt, not to care that her belongings were gone, that her pictures were gone. I learned that it was easier to hide it when I was around my father, because that was what he needed me to be. Then when I start investigating her murder, I became like the detective I am now. In control. Driven. Angry? Hell yeah. Angry was okay. But everything else had no place in the investigation. Anyway, my dad and I, we're okay now. But his leaving me like that, it left a lasting mark on our relationship. If you can't trust your own father, who can you trust?"

She was all over the place, her sentences all jumbling together. Before he could even think of how to answer, she said, "See. Control and trust. Makes sense, don't you think?"

The way she asked the question was casual, and her tone was as if she was asking him what he wanted for lunch, not even hinting at the seriousness of the conversation. It was almost as if she were talking about someone else. It suddenly occurred to him what was bothering him so much about this whole conversation. She was putting together pieces like she did on the murder board. He had seen her do it dozens of times and it looked just like this. She was always able to disassociate herself, discussing the victims without emotion even when their pictures were plastered all over the board, both when they were alive and their murder pictures. She was talking, but her feelings were no where near the surface.

"Yeah, I think it does make sense. You had to control yourself in front of your father. No tears, no reminiscing over photo albums, no comforting hugs from your dad. I get it. I'm sure you know though, that he didn't do it on purpose. I know he would have been there for you if he could." She didn't respond to that, but he could tell that she was thinking about it.

It did make sense, but he knew there had to be more to it for her to be as emotionally scarred as she was. He hoped he wouldn't regret it, but he felt that as long as she was talking about it, he would push as much as he could to figure it out. If they could figure out the problem, maybe she could get past it. Holding his breath, he asked a hard question. "Do you think that maybe deep down you feel that he didn't love you enough to stay sober and be there for you? And if you're own father didn't love you enough, how could anyone else?"

She looked at him strangely.

"What?"

"I don't know," she said frowning. "It just reminds me of something you said. That night when you came over. You were trying to talk me out of going after Lockwood, remember?"

How could he forget? She kept talking. "You said that if I wouldn't do it for myself, do it for Josh and for my father."

"Right. I remember."

"Later, after I was... shot, Alexis was so angry with me. Do you know what she told me at the hospital?" He knew this tone. She was putting together something in her head, but he had no clue what. Whatever it was, he could tell that it was bothering her. Bad. He tried to remember what Alexis had told him about their conversation.

"She told me that I could have walked away from the last case, but I wouldn't. She was mad because it almost got you killed. She was right. You were right. I should have walked away, but I didn't care enough about you, or my dad to stop."

She didn't sound calm now. In fact, she was starting to sound very agitated. What was she getting at? He didn't know, but her anxiety was starting to rub off on him.

"My mom had to have known that she was into something dangerous. Don't you think?"

"Yeah, I guess. Why?"

"She wanted to expose them. She made it a priority. She didn't back down. She wouldn't let it go." Then she looked at him with such sadness. "You told me I should let it go for those who loved me. Why wouldn't she let it go, Castle? Why didn't she love me enough to let it go!" As she said the last words, her voice broke, breaking his heart with it. She immediately slapped her hand over her mouth as if she had said something she shouldn't.

She stood up and walked away. Castle could see by the way her whole body was shaking that she was crying, but her hand over her mouth kept her from making a sound. He got up and went to her and pulled her into his arms. She pushed him away, hard. He wasn't expecting in and stumbled backwards. He stepped forward and grabbed her again. This time he was ready when she pushed him and held onto her arms gently, refusing to be pushed away. When she couldn't push him away, she started hitting at his chest trying to get him to let go. He didn't. Instead, he wrapped his arms completely around her, trapping her hands between their bodies. She held her body stiffly in his arms for a full minute, before she finally melted against him and sobbed. "Why, Castle? Why did she leave me?" she asked over and over, with her face buried in his chest. He didn't answer, he just held her tight, rubbing her back and whispering that she was okay until he finally felt her body calm and her sobs stop. He still didn't let go, until she gently pushed away from him. He took her hand and pulled her over to the couch. When she sat down, he reached over and lifted her chin, tilting her face up so he could see her. Her cheeks were wet from her tears, and he gently wiped them away with his thumbs before he leaned over and kissed her. She kissed him back before firmly pushing him away.

"Don't Castle. We can't do this."

"What do you mean? Kate, don't you realize what just happened? You let me in. You didn't walk away, you didn't hide your feelings from me. There's no reason for us to-"

"Stop. Listen, I came her because I don't want you to lose your job. Especially not because of me. And because I want us to be friends. I need us to be friends, Castle. But that's it."

"Are you telling me that nothing has changed? After all of this?"

"All I know, is that when I couldn't talk to you, you left. It's not your fault, I'm not mad, but you left me, Castle." Her voice broke again as she said this. "You didn't just break up with me, you threw away our friendship and you walked out. I can't go through life worrying that every time I don't meet your expectations, you might leave. I just can't."

"You don't understand. There's-"

"My mother left me, my dad left me, and you left me. There's no trust left. I can't be with someone I don't trust." Worried that she was going to start crying again, she quickly got up and walked to the door. He followed her, trying to talk to her, but she wasn't listening.

As she walked out the door, he yelled "Kate, wait. I need to tell you something!" She stopped briefly, but didn't look back.

She had only driven a couple of miles before she had to pull over, because she couldn't see the road through her tears. She sat there crying for several minutes before she was able to pull herself together enough to resume the trip. Three long hours later, she finally pulled into the parking lot of her apartment.

She opened the door and went straight to the kitchen. She needed a beer badly. She threw her purse on the counter, knocking over a large stack of mail. "Dammit!" she yelled, frustrated at the mess she had just made. She had been so preoccupied with this whole thing with Castle that she hadn't checked her mail in days, instead, she just kept adding it to the growing pile. Tempted to leave it until morning, she reluctantly picked it all up. Just as she turned to open the refrigerator, one piece of mail caught her eye. She picked it up. The return address only said one word. CASTLE. Confused, she looked and saw that it was post-marked one day ago. It slowly sank in that he had written her a letter before she had gone to see him. Forgetting her beer, she slowly walked over to the couch and sat down with the letter in her lap. With shaking hands, she tore open the envelope and slid the letter out. She began reading out loud. "_**Dear Kate,"**_


	15. Chapter 15

**A Time to Heal**

**Chapter 15**

**Always**

**SHE** put the letter down briefly and closed her eyes. She was emotionally tired and didn't know if she was up to reading a letter from him at the moment. In the end, she knew she couldn't stand not knowing what it said. She picked the letter back up and began to read.

_**Dear Kate,**_

_**I don't know how to even start this letter. I have so much that I want to say and make you understand. You would think that as a writer it would be easy for me to put my feelings in writing, but in reality, it is harder than any novel I've ever written. **_

_**I want to start off by telling you that I hate the way things ended with us. I need you to know that when I came to your apartment to talk to you, I never intended for this to happen. I was just so hurt and angry that you kept shutting me out, that our relationship was stuck with no indication that it was going to develop into anything more. I was desperate to say or do something, anything, to make you take us seriously and push you out of your comfort zone. When you took it as an ultimatum, I didn't know what to do. The last thing I wanted to was to lose you, but I knew that I couldn't go on the way we were. Maybe it was unfair of me, I don't know. I do know that we can't always control what we want, what we feel. If we could things would be so much easier, wouldn't they?**_

_**Maybe it will help you understand if I tell you that I have known for a long time that you were who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I really wanted to be your 'One and Done.' I knew that you didn't feel the same way, but I had hoped that one day you would realize that you wanted that too. **_

_**I also want you to know that I'm glad that I tried, even if it didn't work- I don't think I could have lived with myself if I hadn't even tried. I don't regret a minute of the time we spent together. The only regret I have is that in the end I made you think that you can't trust me. That was the last thing you said to me when I left your apartment that night, and it was probably the thing that hurt most in all of this, losing your trust. I once told you that I would be there for you, always. That hasn't changed. What we had before, partner and friend, may not have been what I had hoped for, had planned on, but it was real and it meant a lot to me. **_

_**I felt like I had to leave because coming to work every day with both of us so obviously miserable was not working, and I didn't know how to make it better. I thought that putting some distance between us while I tried to figure it out might help. I think it did, at least on my end. It has given me the time I needed to think about everything and where I want to go from here. **_

_**I used this time to regroup and allow myself to come to terms with the fact that things were not going to turn out the way I planned. I couldn't be there for you until I did that. If this week away has shown me anything, it's that I haven't stopped caring about you just because it didn't work out with us. I hope that when you get past the anger and the pain, you will see that I'm still here for you if you need me. **_

_**Always,**_

_**Castle**_

**CASTLE** slowly walked into the station early the next morning. He had called the Captain right after Kate had walked out and told her that he was coming back. She had read him the riot act, but in the end allowed him to keep his job. He felt nervous, having no idea what Kate's reaction would be when she came in and found him there.

It was obvious that she hadn't yet gotten his letter when she showed up at his place in the Hamptons. He had been so surprised when she had appeared unexpectedly on his doorstep that it didn't even entered his mind to ask about it. Everything happened so fast after that. One minute she was crying in his arms, trying to deal with her feeling's about her mother's abandonment, and the next she was running out the door.

Was the letter there when she got home? Was it lost in the mail? He hoped not. That letter did what she wouldn't let him do, really tell her how he felt. He didn't have to worry about her walking away, or changing the subject. He thought it was ironic that he had written her a letter that focused on trust, when that had been the very thing holding her back last night. Would it make a difference? He told himself that he hoped it would allow them to get their friendship back. He wouldn't even allow himself to hope for more.

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard his name called loudly from across the room. He smiled when he saw Esposito and Ryan walking up, obviously excited to have him back. It wasn't long before other members of the force came in and joined them. He had to admit it felt really good to be welcomed back so exuberantly. He had missed being a part of all of this. They were all in the middle of catching up, when he glanced over and saw Kate walk in. He excused himself and walked towards her. She stopped when she saw him. He searched her face, but couldn't tell at all what she was thinking.

Not intending to spend another day like the ones before he left, he was determined to talk to her and clear the air. "Kate, can I talk to you for a minute in my-"

His sentence was cut short when she ran and launched herself into his arms, almost knocking him over. Surprised, he closed his arms around her returning her hug. They stood that way, just holding each other for several seconds before he felt her tense up. He looked and saw that she was staring over his shoulder, becoming aware of the small group of on-lookers. Knowing how uncomfortable she would be with everyone watching her, he let her go and took several steps backwards. She looked at him with a frown on her face.

She slowly walked towards him, until they were almost touching, and said, "What's the matter, Castle? Embarrassed to be seen with me?" She smiled at the puzzled look on his face then wrapped her arms around his neck. Her smile faded as they stood staring into each others eyes, both of them aware of the importance of this moment. Everyone in the room seemed to hold their collective breath as she slowly leaned forward and kissed him.

After a moment of silence, the room erupted with whistles and clapping. It wasn't until they heard Esposito yell, "Yo, Beckett, let the man up for some air!" that they finally pulled apart.

Although she was slightly embarrassed at all of the attention, she had to laugh when she saw Castle glaring at Esposito. "Alright," she said, trying to regain some control of the situation. "Show's over. Let's get back to work." Everyone slowly dispersed, reluctantly going back to their duties. She sat down at her desk and pulled out a file. Castle slowly walked to his office, although he doubted if he was going to be able to concentrate at all on his work.

An hour later, he was sitting at his computer trying hard to focus. As he had feared, he hadn't gotten a single bit of work done. He was deep in thought and jumped when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulled it out and smiled when he saw that it was a text from Kate.

**Beckett: I think we should go on a date. Dinner at my place? 6:00.**

Before he could respond, it vibrated again. He grinned when he saw the second message.

**Beckett: BTW wear something hot ;)**

**LATER **that evening, Kate was pacing nervously in her apartment, waiting for Castle to arrive. She knew that this night was going to be either the beginning or the end of everything with them. Kissing him in front of everyone and then inviting him to dinner had sent him the message that she was ready to be in this relationship. All the way in, no foot out the door. If she pushed him away now, he would be so angry and hurt that he might not be able to get over it, even enough to be her friend. She wouldn't blame him one bit.

His letter, which she knew was intended to reassure her, had instead scared her. She knew that he cared about her deeply, but talking about them in terms of growing old together and being her "One and done" was overwhelming. Even scarier was that he had made it very clear that she could trust him. She had let herself fall apart in front of him and allowed him to witness her intense pain about her mother, pain that she didn't even know she had. She had really opened up to him. It had been easier because she had already decided that they were over, since he had left her, breaking her trust. After eading that letter though, she now knew that she could trust him. That scared her because it was the only thing holding them back. She didn't have anything left to hide behind. It left her with a big decision to make. Take the chance and go for it? Or settle for being his best friend, which was safer. But did she want safe?

The choice was hers to make. It was so important that she had decided that the best thing to do was give it time and make sure she made the right one. She hadn't been even close to making it when she had walked into the 12th that morning, and looked up to see him standing there. She hadn't thought twice about going to him. It had just happened. The minute she felt his arms around her, she knew that her heart had made the decision that her head was afraid to make. She had felt so incredibly happy at that point that she made the impulsive decision to invite him over. At the time, it seemed like a great idea. Who was she kidding. A half an hour ago it seemed like a great idea. Now, though, she wasn't so sure. Her stomach was in knots and she was fighting off a panic attack. She just hoped she wouldn't disappoint them both. She looked down at her outfit and almost wished she had time to change. What she had chosen to wear before her case of cold feel left no doubt about her commitment to their relationship. '_Too late now anyway,' _she thought as she heard the knock on the door.

AT six o'clock sharp, Castle was standing outside of Kate's apartment preparing to knock. He had been a nervous wreck all day. Despite the fact that she had kissed him senseless right there in the station in front of everyone, he was afraid to jump to any conclusions about their relationship. He didn't know if he would be able to handle any more disappointments when it came to Kate. He planned on taking things one step at a time and try not to have too many expectations.

He hadn't even finished knocking when the door opened. He smiled when he saw Kate standing there, looking every bit as nervous as he felt. She stepped back so he could come in.

He felt his throat go dry when he saw what she had on. It had taken a second for it to register that she was wearing his shirt. The one he had let her wear the night she had eaten dinner at his loft. Only now, she had left the top three buttons open, and he could see the angry, red line of her scar just peeking out. He had to turn away so she wouldn't see the look on his face. He wasn't even able to process what this meant for them, because seeing that scar brought back that horrible memory of her lying on the ground, bleeding. Taking a deep breath, he turned back around, but kept his eyes focused on her face. He forced a smile and walked in. He handed her the bottle he was holding. "Here. I brought wine."

"Thanks. Let me get some glasses. Dinner isn't quite ready."

He went and sat down on the couch and she joined him a minute later with a couple of glasses. He poured them each some wine. They sat in silence, not knowing exactly what say to each other. He hated the awkward feeling and was anxious to find something to talk about. Looking around the room, his eyes landed on her Richard Castle collection.

She saw him looking and smiled. She knew that he loved the fact that she had all of his books. "I can't believe I'm telling you this, but I once stood in line for over an hour at a book store to get you to sign one of your books?"

He did, of course, know that she had a signed copy of his book, but he was surprised to learn that she had stood in line for so long to get it. He had signed hundreds of books at dozens of stores, but he still somehow felt like he should have remembered her. He started to make a joke about her being an obsessed fan when he noticed that she had gotten very serious.

"You know," she said quietly, "When my mother died, and my dad was...sick, I spent weeks reading your books. I could lose myself for hours at a time, not having to think at all about the stuff going on around me. I think I was half way in love with you back then." She felt herself blush as she realized what she had just said.

"Do you think that Alexis and I are close?" he asked her. She looked at him, clearly confused at the abrupt change in the conversation.

"Of course. She adores you and it's clear that you feel the same way about her."

"I do. She means everything to me. I would do anything for her. I would give my life for hers without a second thought. I would say that this city is full of parents who have dangerous jobs who have children they would die for, don't you? Police officers, fire fighters, parents in the military."

"Yeah, of course. What are you getting at Castle?"

"I just want to show you that just because your mom was pursuing a dangerous group of men, didn't mean she didn't love you. I didn't know your mom, but from the way you have talked about her and your relationship with her, I know that she would never have left you if she had the choice. You know that, right?" For some reason, it was very important to him that she knew that about her mother.

She slowly nodded. "I do know that. Here," she said, pointing at her head. "But it's harder knowing it in here," she added pointing to her heart. As she did, her finger grazed her scar. Again, she saw him look away. She was surprised that he hadn't made a comment about her scar, and couldn't help but notice that he was avoiding even looking at it. She wondered if it bothered him. The thought hurt and she had to fight the sudden urge to button her shirt up. They both jumped when the timer went off, alerting them to the fact that dinner was ready.

He followed her to the kitchen and sniffed appreciatively as she pulled out a pan of lasagna from the oven. "It smells delicious. Can I help with anything?"

"Sure. Why don't you grab the salad out of the fridge."

He grabbed it and set it on the counter next to the lasagna just as she was putting out a loaf of garlic bread.

"That was really great," he told her twenty minutes later as they cleared the table.

"Thanks. It was my mom's recipe. It was one of the first things she taught me how to cook."

He smiled, "Well she obviously was a good teacher, because it was fantastic."

She watched him closely, wondering if it would sink in about her being a good cook. She saw the second that it did. His eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Wait a minute. I thought you couldn't cook?" He thought back to the night she had dinner at his place and the fact that she needed help to peel the carrots. "You couldn't even make a salad when-" He stopped when he saw the sparkle in her eye and realized that he had been had.

"Really, Castle? You believed that I couldn't even peel a carrot? I guess you don't remember everything about me." He looked at her curiously. "Don't you remember when I stayed with you after my apartment was blown up?"

He thought back. He remembered her making breakfast and her comment that her mom was a great cook and had taught her. How had he forgotten that about her?

He smiled wickedly. "Of course I remembered that. I knew you were just playing me. I just went along with it so you wouldn't feel bad."

"Yeah, right. Just admit it. I tricked you."

She walked towards him. He crossed his arms and shook his head stubbornly. "Nope." She looked at him and suddenly smiled. She knew how to get him to admit it. Grinning, she reached out and tickled his sides. To her delight, he responded by shrieking and pulling away. Apparently Castle was very ticklish. She followed him when he stepped back, tickling him again. He tried to evade her hands, but he was laughing too hard, and she was enjoying his reaction too much to stop.

She was laughing almost as hard as he was, just watching him. That was her downfall. Before she knew what was happening, he had grabbed her wrists and stopped her. Seeing the grin on his face, she knew that she was in trouble. "Castle, don't. I mean it!" She tried to back away, but before she could, he was tickling her while she struggled helplessly to get away, begging him to stop even as she laughed uncontrollably.

He watched her laughing and felt his heart swell. He couldn't recall ever seeing her really let go and laugh like this. She seemed so happy and he loved that he was the one who had made her feel that way. He made himself a promise right then that he would spend the rest of his life finding ways to make her laugh.

He finally took pity on her and stopped the tickling as they collapsed on the couch, breathless. She snuggled up next to him and he put his arm around her.

He started playing with her hair and marveled at the fact that they were cuddling together on the couch when just a week ago they weren't sure if they could even find a way to be friends. It hadn't escaped his notice that they hadn't talked at all about their relationship or the letter he had written. The familiar feeling was back. The one that he felt when he wanted to talk to her but was afraid to, in case it pushed her away. He sat there trying to decide what to do and couldn't help but feel frustrated by the fact that he was right back where he started. Before he could make up his mind, she started talking.

"Do you believe this? If you would have told me a few days ago that we would be here, together, I never would have believed it."

"Weird. I was just thinking that exact same thing."

"Really? We do that a lot, don't we?"

She was right. When they were working on a case, it was uncanny how alike they thought. It was what made building theory with her so fun. The guys even teased them about how they finished each others sentences.

"I guess it's what makes us such a good team."

He took a deep breath and said, "So, I guess this means you got my letter?"

She didn't answer, but she didn't pull away. He remembered the advice his mother and Alexis had given him about just waiting, giving her time to answer. They sat there silently for what seemed like forever, before she finally responded.

"Yeah. It was here when I got back. It was hard to read."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Just seeing how hard this has been for you, how my problems have hurt you."

He knew that she never meant to hurt him. That's what made all of this so difficult. It's also what kept him from walking away. But intentional or not, he couldn't go through this again.

"I need to know that you are in this, Kate. All the way. I don't know if we can survive another -"

She put her fingers against his mouth, stopping him. He searched her eyes and was satisfied with what he saw there. She leaned in and kissed him. He held her face in his hands as he kissed her back. As their kiss deepened, he was surprised when he felt her fingers on his chest, unbuttoning his shirt. He let his hands drift downward to do the same. When his fingers brushed against her scar, they both froze.

She started to button her shirt. "The doctor says it will fade, but..."

He took her hands before she could button them. Did she really think that he cared about how her scar looked? "Kate, look at me." He waited until she finally did. "It's not that. It's just... when I see it, I remember that day at the cemetary. How close I came to losing you."

She didn't look convinced. Keeping his eyes on hers, he gently undid two more buttons, completely baring her scar. He slowly traced the raised line with his finger, causing her to shiver. "Everything about you is beautiful to me, Kate. Everything." The last was said with his mouth against hers as he kissed her again and again. He inhaled sharply when he felt her warm, soft hands find their way inside his shirt gently resting on his chest. Encouraged, he let his hands slip up under her shirt to explore her bare belly. As soon as he made contact, however, she suddenly pulled away and stood up. He looked at her and saw tears glittering in her eyes. With his elbows resting on his knees, he buried his face in his hands.

He tried to suppress the disappointment he felt, telling himself that he should be grateful that they had made as much progress as they had. And he was. They had come a long way in one evening and he felt that they had a real chance. He could be happy with that. For now.

With his emotions under control, he finally looked up to reassure her that it was okay. What he saw took his breath away. She was standing there, with her arm outstretched toward him with her open hand. His own hand was shaking when he took it and let her pull him up off of the couch. She laced her fingers with his and led him to her bedroom. When they got to the doorway, he stopped. As badly as he wanted to take this next step in their relationship, he had to know that she was ready. He didn't want any doubts. Any regrets.

When he stopped, she knew exactly what he was thinking. If she wasn't sure that this was what she wanted before, his willingness to put her needs ahead of his own would have caused her to be sure. She looked into his eyes. "I'm in this Castle. All the way. Always."

She stepped forward and kissed him gently. Without breaking contact, they walked through the doorway together, shutting the door on their old life, ready to start their new one.

_**The End**_


End file.
